The Tales of Virago-- A Beautiful Mess

     I was sitting in the cafe playing with the last scraps of my salad that had been the remnants of a lunch I actually consumed today. The first lunch eaten in several days. This week has been interesting to say the least. The internal battle has been a fire of rage and fury of self vs, eating disorder vs. perfectionism (Hint: I have been doing a shitastic job at winning) and the noise is simply deafening.       I know people notice when I do not eat. I'm the lab rat, and I detest it. But the starvation is such an addiction, and it is so hard to stop. It's as though the person inside me has manifested into something greater than myself, and it is so hard to suppress that force. It is simply something I cannot conquer alone.      So around I have been walking, trying so desperately to mask this disorder. This quirk. This broken glitch inside of me, and while some people cannot be fooled, others can. Just as I feel I have everything tog...

     I am the manifestation of the broken and beautiful things; stitched together with tatters of the girl who has remained through my journey, along with the scraps gathered along the way. It isn't perfect, and it may be a little broken- but it is still good.      Beneath my smile is a shade of colors and textures I struggle to convey. While the smile is not only skin deep, it does not eliminate the invasive thoughts waging war within my mind. The smile is the mask of absence from this realm as I turn inward to wage war, and question the morals, values, and beliefs around which I function.      My biggest struggle as of lately has been my return to school. I struggle to be authentic in my emotions, and convey that I am not always fine or "well!" no, of course I am not always well, and I am not going to be right away. It is a gradual process. I question myself in why I continue to say this. I think my problem is that I feel o...

     Brittle. Frail. Dainty. Delicate- Lovely bones. She let her fragile, delicate fingers flutter on the rims of the pronounced collar bones that outlined her body, looking as if it was ready to shatter under the weight of her greatest fears, and worries she suppressed in hopes they would vanish along with the rest of her lowly existence.      She worried the people around her as they watched her fade into the hollow ghost she became. She was gone to the world for what she had been, and was beginning to accept it. She too was afraid of what she was becoming, but was also in awe of the ways she had allowed the deceipt of her mind to ruin her life. She was also however, afraid to let go of this, so she held on even more thinking this would solve her problems.      Seven  weeks ago this girl in the midst of her cantaloupe and coffee, with her preoccupation of control, suppression, and handling things on her own; was forced to...

     This little box is quite unbecoming for a young lady with big dreams and aspirations. The constant fog of fear so thick you grasp for air, but it is simply not enough. Wandering in circles perplexed as to when it became so dark, and how you could have ever allowed this to occur... looking in the mirror and wanting so badly to "fix" all the problems- harboring such a deep self inflicted hatred you torment yourself until everything is finally right. But, you come to discover, you cannot fix all your problems through the starvation, the exercise, the "fitness"... no. The problem lies deep beneath the skin; with the rooted arsenic that has plagued your now eternal winter... and it feels as though you are left stumbling without a purpose to be found.      If I am supposed to be getting better, than why am I still struggling? Why am I such a failure? It's only a matter of time before I fall again, so why even bother?... This wave of guilt, fear, a...

To the girl who struggles to love herself,      Don't let life's burdens carry you to the wayside. Rise up and seize each moment. From the moment you wake until the moment you quit battling and simply let your eyes flutter shut...      Darling life is far too short for the worries of the world to weigh on your little shoulders. Let the warmth of the sun shine upon your face, and illuminate your soul. Listen to the birds and their sweet melodies for you. Their songs of encouragement to keep going for you are stronger, and more sweet and lovely than you will ever begin to realize. Let your thoughts and words reflect your inner beauty, and trust that things will be ok. You may not understand how or when, but I promise the sun will break through the storm clouds soon.      Life isn't as scary as we make it out be- only when we begin to let go can we learn to come alive and feel once again. Love, The beautiful warrior within