I am the manifestation of the broken and beautiful things; stitched together with tatters of the girl who has remained through my journey, along with the scraps gathered along the way. It isn't perfect, and it may be a little broken- but it is still good.
Beneath my smile is a shade of colors and textures I struggle to convey. While the smile is not only skin deep, it does not eliminate the invasive thoughts waging war within my mind. The smile is the mask of absence from this realm as I turn inward to wage war, and question the morals, values, and beliefs around which I function.
My biggest struggle as of lately has been my return to school. I struggle to be authentic in my emotions, and convey that I am not always fine or "well!" no, of course I am not always well, and I am not going to be right away. It is a gradual process. I question myself in why I continue to say this. I think my problem is that I feel others expect me to be "fixed," and I am trying to act "fixed." But as I am quickly discovering, the harder I try to hold together the perfect life, meal plan, and smile... the more rapidly things will come unwound.
I often feel as though I walk on a tight rope that is unfraying, and I am simply waiting for the moment in which the last thread snaps- leaving me to fall without the safety of the net beneath me. In this, I scramble to try and assure everything is perfect so nothing can go wrong, and that no one knows when there is a struggle. I create this monster that cannot survive on her own. I create myself- and she is destructive.
I struggle to communicate to others when I need their help, and at times I sit in silence because the times in which I have tried to ask- I've been silenced or shut out. I've learned the only thing that leaves me feeling more empty than my starvation is the deep sense of loneliness that lingers over in long stretches where you question everything about yourself and your worth. However, I have also learned the beauty in the little things so many people take for granted, and the people who do take the time along the way.
Life is a journey, and everyday is a new chance to explore your own strengths and abilities. It is the mountains we climb, bumps and bruises from falls, trails traversed and conquered, and even the journeys that have taken us astray- for finding the way home is a chapter in and of itself. I know there is work to be done, and I am learning that I must accept my flaws for what they are. "Fixed" is more of a daily healing process. A work in progress one could say- and I will do my best- what more can anyone ask?
Beneath my smile is a shade of colors and textures I struggle to convey. While the smile is not only skin deep, it does not eliminate the invasive thoughts waging war within my mind. The smile is the mask of absence from this realm as I turn inward to wage war, and question the morals, values, and beliefs around which I function.
My biggest struggle as of lately has been my return to school. I struggle to be authentic in my emotions, and convey that I am not always fine or "well!" no, of course I am not always well, and I am not going to be right away. It is a gradual process. I question myself in why I continue to say this. I think my problem is that I feel others expect me to be "fixed," and I am trying to act "fixed." But as I am quickly discovering, the harder I try to hold together the perfect life, meal plan, and smile... the more rapidly things will come unwound.
I often feel as though I walk on a tight rope that is unfraying, and I am simply waiting for the moment in which the last thread snaps- leaving me to fall without the safety of the net beneath me. In this, I scramble to try and assure everything is perfect so nothing can go wrong, and that no one knows when there is a struggle. I create this monster that cannot survive on her own. I create myself- and she is destructive.
I struggle to communicate to others when I need their help, and at times I sit in silence because the times in which I have tried to ask- I've been silenced or shut out. I've learned the only thing that leaves me feeling more empty than my starvation is the deep sense of loneliness that lingers over in long stretches where you question everything about yourself and your worth. However, I have also learned the beauty in the little things so many people take for granted, and the people who do take the time along the way.
Life is a journey, and everyday is a new chance to explore your own strengths and abilities. It is the mountains we climb, bumps and bruises from falls, trails traversed and conquered, and even the journeys that have taken us astray- for finding the way home is a chapter in and of itself. I know there is work to be done, and I am learning that I must accept my flaws for what they are. "Fixed" is more of a daily healing process. A work in progress one could say- and I will do my best- what more can anyone ask?
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