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Moving Forward

     Brittle. Frail. Dainty. Delicate- Lovely bones. She let her fragile, delicate fingers flutter on the rims of the pronounced collar bones that outlined her body, looking as if it was ready to shatter under the weight of her greatest fears, and worries she suppressed in hopes they would vanish along with the rest of her lowly existence.
     She worried the people around her as they watched her fade into the hollow ghost she became. She was gone to the world for what she had been, and was beginning to accept it. She too was afraid of what she was becoming, but was also in awe of the ways she had allowed the deceipt of her mind to ruin her life. She was also however, afraid to let go of this, so she held on even more thinking this would solve her problems.
     Seven  weeks ago this girl in the midst of her cantaloupe and coffee, with her preoccupation of control, suppression, and handling things on her own; was forced to bring everything to the surface, and relinquish her control. This girl had everything in her life ripped out from under her, being flatly told no- robbed of basic rights, fed more than she would consume in three days in one meal, countless breakdowns, learning to accept blind weigh ins, and weight gain, and having to so much as count every time she had to pee and have someone listen. (And that shit is harder than it sounds..) But this girl is learning how to live without Ed, and Ms. Perfectionism, and Ana. This girl has begun fighting for her life which she learned she came so close to losing. This girl has the strength of a true warrior, and this is the girl I can be proud of.
     My therapist in Hershey and I were talking and she was telling me how it is critical to take care of yourself because you never know when a relapse could end up being your last one. Today was my last day at Hershey's program and also marks the end of my time in hospitalizations- hopefully forever, but I know that I cannot guarantee this. On Sunday I transition back to college- my second home, and while I am excited, I am also nervous for the transition. But with seven weeks, I have learned seven things I will take with me going forward. 
  1.  I am better off leaving my weight, and goals to my medical team. Also- BMI is an invalid load of garbage.
  2.  Having a good outpatient team is essential. If you have a weak link- fire them! And replace them.
  3.  Having a good friend and support system is critical. I've learned that being honest with them helps them to feel less awkward, and more comfortable, and helps them and me to stay more accountable to what I'm supposed to be doing.
  4.  Hearing ED tell me I should skip meals is one thing. But then I must turn around and deliberately disobey him.
  5.  Also- Ms. Perfectionist needs to just take a hike.
  6.  Food and my meal plan are my prescription. Skipping that is the equivalent of a diabetic skipping their insulin aka BAD. Keeping a food and mood log, and meal planning are so important.
  7.  Life without my eating disorder feels like a bird released from the cage. I have energy, and life again. 
    These aren't fool proof, and I definitely have stumbled, and will continue to. I am not recovered, but I do know I am far from where I was, and for that I can be proud. I know that I am not guaranteed to be perfect, but that's okay. I told the perfectionist to take a hike anyways. But what I do know is that each day is messy, and colorful, and beauty is the imperfection and adventure at every curve in the road- and for that I will go forward.

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