Being Alone

   

      I've thought about it- but I realize that I would probably be better off saving my energy for something else. I would be a fraud were I to deny that the emotions are there. Those emotions, the thoughts-  they still wage a war to relinquish control upon my life. They have become so interwoven, they must be gradually peeled back, as if they were intrusive claws being drawn away from a tree in the darkest of storms. The scars that remain are undeniable, and the sound of war is most simply described as deafening.
     You kind of miss these thoughts, or perhaps these people. It's a twisted, sickening, convoluted game that others may never understand, unless they have been in your shoes- but for those who have been here- I need not go any further. For those who have not- it is the kind of mourning wherein we do not miss the pain of our tormentors or the war's we waged for our sanity. We miss the comfort of never being alone.

"We miss the comfort of never being alone."

     It sounds like insanity because it is, but to those who have never known health, and who are just learning to stand and strive for your version of "health"- you cannot miss what you never had. Others do not get this- but you do. You expect the things that you have grown up believing you deserved. Depression. Abuse. Eating disorders. Abandonment. Betrayal. These things that are so toxic, but are the only protectors the only shells, and the only things so many people have ever known, or felt safe with. The things that we turned to because they gave us security and control in a world insane.
    I've thought about it. About going back to that dark place because I felt it would be my protector once again. Because I thought that walking alone meant I was alone. Luckily, I have since learned who I am, and whose I am. I have learned in a world of brokenness, and loneliness that we are not alone- and even when we are alone... it is okay to walk alone. We are warriors, each unique to our call, and designed for our own purpose, and called to our own plan.

"When there is no one to control us- the abuse ends."
 
     I have learned we should save our breath, and hold fast because being alone is peaceful. When there is no one there to control us- the abuse ends. The emotions may still linger, but they can sit, and all can be still. To the ones who are afraid to walk alone- I promise- it is going to be okay, and it is so incredibly worth the leap. <3 

~The Fragile(and oh so resilent) Wildflower