One year ago today I said I do. Damn--
I really didn't know what I was getting myself into, did I??
No- I didn't get married, nor did I say yes to the dress, or get engaged to the man of my dreams (although if someone figures out when those can happen, can you let me know? Thanks!) I said I do, but I definitely had no idea what this past year would entail as I flipped through and spent two hours initialing my life away, or telling my story, or crying a river to a few complete and utter strangers who I had entrusted with my care, and chosen over my professors, and college.
I sure as hell wanted out of it by 6pm that first night as I sat down to dinner. As I peered at the Mount Everest of food that had been laid before my eyes, and I said to them, "Oh there is no f******* way I can eat all of that" cue the tears, the panic attack, you name it... I probably did it. I was ready to run. I think of those funny tragic worse case wedding scenarios in the sanctuary where the bride goes running with her broken heel, not giving two damns screaming bloody murder... and that was me as I began to realize what I might have signed onto with this divorce.
It was way overdue, but it's also hard to let go of the things you have never really lived without. It is your toxic comfort blanket. Oh Ed- I am so glad we are divorced. Happy one year Divorcaversary! (like my coined term?) I recall the early drive on this day last year as we left our humble abode to find Coatesville--- to wait in an emergency room. To be poked and prodded... to admit- I am no longer able to handle this alone. To have I.V.'s protrude from my arm as they discover how weak, and ill I have become within my realm of denial, and then being ushered into this cold unit of women and men who face the same monsters I do... where I learned I no longer had to wear a mask. Or walk alone.
I learned that admitting my shortcomings, and casting them into the light made their darkness less potent. Or perhaps that, in this world that is beyond the expanse of what my mind can grasp... I was not the only human who struggled- or felt they were unworthy of love, and life. Who used their starvation, and socially acceptable numbing agent to cope.
Divorcing Ed is no small feat because he is the most manipulative son of a bitch that I have ever crossed. He becomes louder, and you want to give in because you feel you must. That he is the only one who truly cares. Afterall, he has always been there. (To ruin and control your life..)
That's right.
Ed stole from me things that can never be returned. It is not glitz, and there is no glamour. I sacrificed my jaw for a happy ending I never got because I wanted to be perfect. It were as if a light in my head had decided these vanity things- this numbness, and temporary look would satisfy, but I was only dying. You never win. Your victory is your gravestone. My victory became TMJ, and severe acid reflux. The nights spent on my floor in tears where I was afraid I would die laying there. Or when the doctors told me my heart muscles had weakened, and my bradycardia was permanent. It was the blood sugar issues that require me to test myself daily, and the fact that I can no longer eat gluten, and dairy because I have ruined my body's ability to digest it. If this is victory... I want no part.
I have divorced Ed- because I have chosen life. They say your worst day in recovery is better than your best day in sickness- and it is absolutely true. I never understood the victory of icecream, until I had gone years in terror of consuming it, and have come to enjoy it once again. I have discovered the joys of eating a meal with a friend, reminiscing, and laughter in company over cooking together, or having social gatherings and not excusing myself to seclude and ruin the body I am to use to God's glory, rather than denigrate.
I am learning my voice is an instrument that is beautiful and beginning to go forth in confidence- and now that I am no longer damaging it- it is beginning to come alive once again.
I woke up today- and I ate. It is not necessarily that it is easier. I am not magically fixed. I still have a walker- a meal plan- a team... I am blessed beyond words. Sometimes in a race, we need a team- and this is okay. We are not meant to go a relay race alone. Today- I ate what I wanted, and I enjoyed what I had. There are times where there is guilt, but there are times where I smile beyond compare too. The world is now in color. My heart beats with joy, and I wish for the future because I am optimistic that I will live to see one, and change lives the way my treatment teams have changed mine.
A year ago today, I chose life. It's been a journey of kicking and screaming from both parties. And Ed didn't want to sign his divorce papers.. but the good news is- I didn't need that bastard's permission anyways.
I really didn't know what I was getting myself into, did I??
No- I didn't get married, nor did I say yes to the dress, or get engaged to the man of my dreams (although if someone figures out when those can happen, can you let me know? Thanks!) I said I do, but I definitely had no idea what this past year would entail as I flipped through and spent two hours initialing my life away, or telling my story, or crying a river to a few complete and utter strangers who I had entrusted with my care, and chosen over my professors, and college.
I sure as hell wanted out of it by 6pm that first night as I sat down to dinner. As I peered at the Mount Everest of food that had been laid before my eyes, and I said to them, "Oh there is no f******* way I can eat all of that" cue the tears, the panic attack, you name it... I probably did it. I was ready to run. I think of those funny tragic worse case wedding scenarios in the sanctuary where the bride goes running with her broken heel, not giving two damns screaming bloody murder... and that was me as I began to realize what I might have signed onto with this divorce.
It was way overdue, but it's also hard to let go of the things you have never really lived without. It is your toxic comfort blanket. Oh Ed- I am so glad we are divorced. Happy one year Divorcaversary! (like my coined term?) I recall the early drive on this day last year as we left our humble abode to find Coatesville--- to wait in an emergency room. To be poked and prodded... to admit- I am no longer able to handle this alone. To have I.V.'s protrude from my arm as they discover how weak, and ill I have become within my realm of denial, and then being ushered into this cold unit of women and men who face the same monsters I do... where I learned I no longer had to wear a mask. Or walk alone.
I learned that admitting my shortcomings, and casting them into the light made their darkness less potent. Or perhaps that, in this world that is beyond the expanse of what my mind can grasp... I was not the only human who struggled- or felt they were unworthy of love, and life. Who used their starvation, and socially acceptable numbing agent to cope.
Divorcing Ed is no small feat because he is the most manipulative son of a bitch that I have ever crossed. He becomes louder, and you want to give in because you feel you must. That he is the only one who truly cares. Afterall, he has always been there. (To ruin and control your life..)
That's right.
Ed stole from me things that can never be returned. It is not glitz, and there is no glamour. I sacrificed my jaw for a happy ending I never got because I wanted to be perfect. It were as if a light in my head had decided these vanity things- this numbness, and temporary look would satisfy, but I was only dying. You never win. Your victory is your gravestone. My victory became TMJ, and severe acid reflux. The nights spent on my floor in tears where I was afraid I would die laying there. Or when the doctors told me my heart muscles had weakened, and my bradycardia was permanent. It was the blood sugar issues that require me to test myself daily, and the fact that I can no longer eat gluten, and dairy because I have ruined my body's ability to digest it. If this is victory... I want no part.
 |
| "Ed and I need a Divorce" |
I have divorced Ed- because I have chosen life. They say your worst day in recovery is better than your best day in sickness- and it is absolutely true. I never understood the victory of icecream, until I had gone years in terror of consuming it, and have come to enjoy it once again. I have discovered the joys of eating a meal with a friend, reminiscing, and laughter in company over cooking together, or having social gatherings and not excusing myself to seclude and ruin the body I am to use to God's glory, rather than denigrate.
I am learning my voice is an instrument that is beautiful and beginning to go forth in confidence- and now that I am no longer damaging it- it is beginning to come alive once again.
I woke up today- and I ate. It is not necessarily that it is easier. I am not magically fixed. I still have a walker- a meal plan- a team... I am blessed beyond words. Sometimes in a race, we need a team- and this is okay. We are not meant to go a relay race alone. Today- I ate what I wanted, and I enjoyed what I had. There are times where there is guilt, but there are times where I smile beyond compare too. The world is now in color. My heart beats with joy, and I wish for the future because I am optimistic that I will live to see one, and change lives the way my treatment teams have changed mine.
 |
| 1 Year Divorced! |
A year ago today, I chose life. It's been a journey of kicking and screaming from both parties. And Ed didn't want to sign his divorce papers.. but the good news is- I didn't need that bastard's permission anyways.
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