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Learning to Live

     I had to go grocery shopping. I came home Sunday night knowing there would be no food in the house for me to eat.  *Disclaimer: I had asked mom to hold off on the shopping- and shout out to her for going with me to learn about my meal planning*
     This task, so simple to most, which I've always enjoyed doing had become a cruel game to this heavy loaded mind. A task such as entering a store for three items, left me dissecting labels in the store for hours, often leaving with a different cart than intended, for I wanted the "best" option for my body, all the while I was slowly killing myself. The aisles seemed to rise over me, and close in, while the food choices seemed endless yet so little to choose from. It was the equivalent to feeling like a lab rat in an experiment, or one of those shelter animals that everyone stares at, but feels sorry for. I began hating grocery shopping for it felt as though every person was judging my cart, and I felt then as if I could have nothing *second disclaimer: If anyone is so vain as to judge my grocery cart!!...* ANYWAYS...
     I went with grocery list in hand, prepared with the help of my dietitian from treatment. Feeling clarity within myself as a whole has been a fresh breath of air, but aside from that the aisles in the store no longer seem to stretch for continuous miles. I was able to stick to a list, and not scour the nutrition labels. To walk through the store with my grocery cart, and buy my items, come home unpack them, cook dinner, and prepare plans for the future.. it's progress. Granted, I feel uncomfortable at times, and I still feel the rising anxiety within myself of what I am doing to my body, but I am learning to trust the foods my body needs as medicine to get well.
     It is nice to be able to stand without the question rising in my mind as to whether I will faint or not. Knowing I can rest peacefully, and awake the next morning rather than dying from my heart stopping due to severe bradycardia. Recovery is being able to cook your meal, and sit down to enjoy it with a friend in light conversation, or taking delight in life again. It is also the pain and trial, but is that not every great accomplishment of life?

Be it a small triumph such as going to the grocery store, or playing with a new smoothie recipe, when we learn to let go... it is only then we begin to learn how to live.
Experimenting with today's protein breakfast smoothie :)

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