She could feel it manifesting from within her, but she wasn't sure what "it" was, and the label it deserved. Welling with rage, anger, guilt, and a deep sadness she was unsure of how to process this spinning welling hurricane into thoughts or words, or anything for that matter other than the nausea she felt so deeply within the pit of her stomach, and the words "I'm sorry" that escaped her lips yet again for something for which she was not responsible...
It was quite recently that I finally had to admit I constantly apologize and punish myself (more often than not) for the things that I have not done and are far beyond my control. Standing, watching someone you care about go off yet again on another person, walking into the middle by accident, and then after the fact apologizing for the persons innapropriate behavior, only to be told "it's okay" rather than "it's not your fault" only confirmed my apology was "valid" for another persons actions wherein I placed the blame on myself.
I caught myself apologizing yet again only a few hours ago, and my heart began to ache for this girl as it dawned on me the guilt she has bared on her small, fragile shoulders for so long. Arguments, pointed words, aggression, and rage- a mix of not only her own now- but every other persons picked up along the road were now going to hold her back from blooming into the beautiful flower she is meant to become. How does one even begin to unload such a heavy set of baggage though when it is at the point of totality? How does this girl begin to piece her life back together when she realizes how far under she has placed herself?
You didn't cause it. You can't control it, and you can't cure it. I heard these words as a young teenager from someone quite wise, but these simple words serve to remind me that as much as I would like I cannot control the actions of other people, nor should there always be an apology from my lips along with the guilt associated when it is not my fault. I did not cause the fight, and I am sorry it happened, but I am not sorry for causing it because I took no part in it.
One of the most difficult aspects of guilt is being able to separate ourselves from the irrational thinking. We are taught to say "sorry" for things so young when we make a mistake, and I completely support this. But, when we fall into perfectionism, it is a fatal mistake of apologizing all the time for the things we did not do because they are not perfect, and we somehow conjure a reason why we caused a flaw.
You are not at fault for an imperfect society, and I am slowly beginning to come to terms with this. Relinquishing control, and accepting that people will hurt us is a painful process. Unpacking the guilt in pieces is no small feat when it has been growing, but knowing that there is hurt before the healing is certainly something I think anyone can hang onto.
It was quite recently that I finally had to admit I constantly apologize and punish myself (more often than not) for the things that I have not done and are far beyond my control. Standing, watching someone you care about go off yet again on another person, walking into the middle by accident, and then after the fact apologizing for the persons innapropriate behavior, only to be told "it's okay" rather than "it's not your fault" only confirmed my apology was "valid" for another persons actions wherein I placed the blame on myself.
I caught myself apologizing yet again only a few hours ago, and my heart began to ache for this girl as it dawned on me the guilt she has bared on her small, fragile shoulders for so long. Arguments, pointed words, aggression, and rage- a mix of not only her own now- but every other persons picked up along the road were now going to hold her back from blooming into the beautiful flower she is meant to become. How does one even begin to unload such a heavy set of baggage though when it is at the point of totality? How does this girl begin to piece her life back together when she realizes how far under she has placed herself?
You didn't cause it. You can't control it, and you can't cure it. I heard these words as a young teenager from someone quite wise, but these simple words serve to remind me that as much as I would like I cannot control the actions of other people, nor should there always be an apology from my lips along with the guilt associated when it is not my fault. I did not cause the fight, and I am sorry it happened, but I am not sorry for causing it because I took no part in it.
One of the most difficult aspects of guilt is being able to separate ourselves from the irrational thinking. We are taught to say "sorry" for things so young when we make a mistake, and I completely support this. But, when we fall into perfectionism, it is a fatal mistake of apologizing all the time for the things we did not do because they are not perfect, and we somehow conjure a reason why we caused a flaw.
You are not at fault for an imperfect society, and I am slowly beginning to come to terms with this. Relinquishing control, and accepting that people will hurt us is a painful process. Unpacking the guilt in pieces is no small feat when it has been growing, but knowing that there is hurt before the healing is certainly something I think anyone can hang onto.
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