Skip to main content

Guilt

     She could feel it manifesting from within her, but she wasn't sure what "it" was, and the label it deserved. Welling with rage, anger, guilt, and a deep sadness she was unsure of how to process this spinning welling hurricane into thoughts or words, or anything for that matter other than the nausea she felt so deeply within the pit of her stomach, and the words "I'm sorry" that escaped her lips yet again for something for which she was not responsible...
     It was quite recently that I finally had to admit I constantly apologize and punish myself (more often than not) for the things that I have not done and are far beyond my control. Standing, watching someone you care about go off yet again on another person, walking into the middle by accident, and then after the fact apologizing for the persons innapropriate behavior, only to be told "it's okay" rather than "it's not your fault" only confirmed my apology was "valid" for another persons actions wherein I placed the blame on myself.
     I caught myself apologizing yet again only a few hours ago, and my heart began to ache for this girl as it dawned on me the guilt she has bared on her small, fragile shoulders for so long. Arguments, pointed words, aggression, and rage- a mix of not only her own now- but every other persons picked up along the road were now going to hold her back from blooming into the beautiful flower she is meant to become. How does one even begin to unload such a heavy set of baggage though when it is at the point of totality? How does this girl begin to piece her life back together when she realizes how far under she has placed herself?
     You didn't cause it. You can't control it, and you can't cure it. I heard these words as a young teenager from someone quite wise, but these simple words serve to remind me that as much as I would like I cannot control the actions of other people, nor should there always be an apology from my lips along with the guilt associated when it is not my fault. I did not cause the fight, and I am sorry it happened, but I am not sorry for causing it because I took no part in it.
     One of the most difficult aspects of guilt is being able to separate ourselves from the irrational thinking. We are taught to say "sorry" for things so young when we make a mistake, and I completely support this. But, when we fall into perfectionism, it is a fatal mistake of apologizing all the time for the things we did not do because they are not perfect, and we somehow conjure a reason why we caused a flaw.
     You are not at fault for an imperfect society, and I am slowly beginning to come to terms with this. Relinquishing control, and accepting that people will hurt us is a painful process. Unpacking the guilt in pieces is no small feat when it has been growing, but knowing that there is hurt before the healing is certainly something I think anyone can hang onto.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Things Left Unsaid--Part one of the blog poem series

Snow White As the white silently encloses Covering everything it touches It is so serene And we go back Dawning on white blankets of crystallized cool Sliding into the still of the night. It is you and your thoughts: Just one last gaze at the white- To escape To forget the night. Each night. To forget our thoughts At least- that is what I imagine it to be like. It is calm. Each crystal entering as you lay there Allowing your body to finally be free. White blankets that disregard the worry outside your window Because one more night with this raw person you were Seemed like far too much. So we cover ourselves and watch this peaceful scene as the crystal Sinks. It is the silver snake working its way through skin. And we slumber into transcendence And learn that heaven is white, too It is blues and greys.  Red. A clear sky morning. But the earth begins to moan beneath White blankets fade in and out for those left behind. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Open Letter to The Girl Who Wishes She Had an Eating Disorder

     To the girl who wishes she had an eating disorder:  Oh, words. There are so many things I would like to tell you in this moment, but all too quickly the time passes. My heart shatters in watching your eyes grow dark in the pain, as I watch you belittle yourself, and absorb the pointed and loaded remarks of society. I am sorry that society has made you feel so inadequate that you have the overwhelming urge to turn against yourself in your quest to find peace and self satisfaction. The satisfaction that society will never give you, and I guarantee you will never get.      I am sorry that society has told you your worth in life is based off your size, or how many calories you can deprive yourself, rather than the overflowing compassion that flows from your soul, or the beauty of your free and passionate fiery spirit. I am sorry that society has become the fragile layers of ice upon which we traverse, when they offer no support, and we s...
Post a Comment
Read more

Being Alone

          I've thought about it- but I realize that I would probably be better off saving my energy for something else. I would be a fraud were I to deny that the emotions are there. Those emotions, the thoughts-  they still wage a war to relinquish control upon my life. They have become so interwoven, they must be gradually peeled back, as if they were intrusive claws being drawn away from a tree in the darkest of storms. The scars that remain are undeniable, and the sound of war is most simply described as deafening.      You kind of miss these thoughts, or perhaps these people. It's a twisted, sickening, convoluted game that others may never understand, unless they have been in your shoes- but for those who have been here- I need not go any further. For those who have not- it is the kind of mourning wherein we do not miss the pain of our tormentors or the war's we waged for our sanity. We miss the comfort of never being alon...
Post a Comment
Read more