Skip to main content

Enough

     She was struggling to find clarity. She looked down at her ligaments trying to deny the fact she could no longer feel them, not that she had been able to within the past several days due to the fact they were purple. Twisting her finger around the steaming coffee cup that was the sole reason she was able to keep her head up, for empty was her once fiery spirit, and hollowed were her once beautiful eyes...
     I had written these words recently, upon a break through in finding clarity. I am Virago, and it has taken me far too long to realize that no one will ever critique me as much as I viciously criticize and belittle myself. Perfectionist. Shamed. Lonely. Outgoing. Optimistic. Smiling. So many masks of deceit in the downward spiral that has tried to rob me of everything, eventually almost claiming my life. Hidden secrets and shame that left me isolated and empty. Colors had become obsolete matter, for everything melts into a dull gray through sunken in eyes, and you want nothing more than to lay down in your cold aura about what you make to be a pathetic existence, feeling you may never climb out of the darkest ravine you've faced in your short life. I had sworn that I was only going to get in shape, but it went too far. I had become the monster inside my head, who I feared the most, and let her win. I had become Ana- and anorexia almost won.
     Anorexia was a word that took too long to let out into the air. She was the sting of an unrelenting winter, for I was fearful of others judgement. More so, I was afraid to speak myself. She mesmerizes you, and promises you the unobtainable- but I was too foolish to see this. I was too foolish. And some days I still am. Letting Ana out, was freeing myself, and admitting I am not strong, and I don't have to be perfect. Even typing that sentence is something I struggle to see. I've been told I am too self denigrating; I know. Ana is the back stabbing best friend you love because she would give you the world so you think, but deep down you know you'd be better without her, and wish she'd get the hell out. Only now do I realize this.
    Only now am I beginning to awaken, and see that the foundation to happiness begins with health. I realize that while recovery is difficult, relapse is not a choice. These things come down to the choice of life and death- and choosing to finally live. I long to view my world through colors. The love and self acceptance will come too, but baby steps in a day at a time. I know that my horizons are endless, and I can paint my world to whatever I desire- when I grow stronger. Each day I can sit a little straighter, focus more, and learn to use my voice to silence the one inside... I call a success. And for now, I will do the best I can, and as someone wise once told me... I just have to trust it's going to be enough.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Blessings in Disguise

     I was drowning under the weight of my own thoughts. Those who have ever felt the burden of their mind as it takes off beneath their body, and chains them to their worst nightmare from which they feel they will never escape may understand exactly the intruding emotions that inhabit the space I must live- known as my mind. To be gasping for air, and unable to draw in the breath essential to life. To look around trying so hard to find the break in the storm clouds, and only seeing the bundles of dismal gray without a glimmer of sun.       I never thought I would say it, but having to take medical leave this semester might be one of the best things that has happened to me. Initially, I was angry, hurting, cold, and lonely.. but lonely because I had become not only physically malnourished, but spiritually. It was never that I had doubted God existed, or he had a plan.. but I know I put it on the backburner- and I did certainly feel as thoug...
Post a Comment
Read more

Open Letter to The Girl Who Wishes She Had an Eating Disorder

     To the girl who wishes she had an eating disorder:  Oh, words. There are so many things I would like to tell you in this moment, but all too quickly the time passes. My heart shatters in watching your eyes grow dark in the pain, as I watch you belittle yourself, and absorb the pointed and loaded remarks of society. I am sorry that society has made you feel so inadequate that you have the overwhelming urge to turn against yourself in your quest to find peace and self satisfaction. The satisfaction that society will never give you, and I guarantee you will never get.      I am sorry that society has told you your worth in life is based off your size, or how many calories you can deprive yourself, rather than the overflowing compassion that flows from your soul, or the beauty of your free and passionate fiery spirit. I am sorry that society has become the fragile layers of ice upon which we traverse, when they offer no support, and we s...
Post a Comment
Read more

I Said "I Do"

     One year ago today I said I do . Damn --  I really didn't know what I was getting myself into, did I??      No- I didn't get married, nor did I say yes to the dress, or get engaged to the man of my dreams (although if someone figures out when those can happen, can you let me know? Thanks!) I said I do, but I definitely had no idea what this past year would entail as I flipped through and spent two hours initialing my life away, or telling my story, or crying a river to a few complete and utter strangers who I had entrusted with my care, and chosen over my professors, and college.     I sure as hell wanted out of it by 6pm that first night as I sat down to dinner. As I peered at the Mount Everest of food that had been laid before my eyes, and I said to them, "Oh there is no f******* way I can eat all of that" cue the tears, the panic attack, you name it... I probably did it. I was ready to run. I think of those funny...
Post a Comment
Read more