Skip to main content

Enough

     She was struggling to find clarity. She looked down at her ligaments trying to deny the fact she could no longer feel them, not that she had been able to within the past several days due to the fact they were purple. Twisting her finger around the steaming coffee cup that was the sole reason she was able to keep her head up, for empty was her once fiery spirit, and hollowed were her once beautiful eyes...
     I had written these words recently, upon a break through in finding clarity. I am Virago, and it has taken me far too long to realize that no one will ever critique me as much as I viciously criticize and belittle myself. Perfectionist. Shamed. Lonely. Outgoing. Optimistic. Smiling. So many masks of deceit in the downward spiral that has tried to rob me of everything, eventually almost claiming my life. Hidden secrets and shame that left me isolated and empty. Colors had become obsolete matter, for everything melts into a dull gray through sunken in eyes, and you want nothing more than to lay down in your cold aura about what you make to be a pathetic existence, feeling you may never climb out of the darkest ravine you've faced in your short life. I had sworn that I was only going to get in shape, but it went too far. I had become the monster inside my head, who I feared the most, and let her win. I had become Ana- and anorexia almost won.
     Anorexia was a word that took too long to let out into the air. She was the sting of an unrelenting winter, for I was fearful of others judgement. More so, I was afraid to speak myself. She mesmerizes you, and promises you the unobtainable- but I was too foolish to see this. I was too foolish. And some days I still am. Letting Ana out, was freeing myself, and admitting I am not strong, and I don't have to be perfect. Even typing that sentence is something I struggle to see. I've been told I am too self denigrating; I know. Ana is the back stabbing best friend you love because she would give you the world so you think, but deep down you know you'd be better without her, and wish she'd get the hell out. Only now do I realize this.
    Only now am I beginning to awaken, and see that the foundation to happiness begins with health. I realize that while recovery is difficult, relapse is not a choice. These things come down to the choice of life and death- and choosing to finally live. I long to view my world through colors. The love and self acceptance will come too, but baby steps in a day at a time. I know that my horizons are endless, and I can paint my world to whatever I desire- when I grow stronger. Each day I can sit a little straighter, focus more, and learn to use my voice to silence the one inside... I call a success. And for now, I will do the best I can, and as someone wise once told me... I just have to trust it's going to be enough.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Learning to Live

     I had to go grocery shopping. I came home Sunday night knowing there would be no food in the house for me to eat.  *Disclaimer: I had asked mom to hold off on the shopping- and shout out to her for going with me to learn about my meal planning*      This task, so simple to most, which I've always enjoyed doing had become a cruel game to this heavy loaded mind. A task such as entering a store for three items, left me dissecting labels in the store for hours, often leaving with a different cart than intended, for I wanted the "best" option for my body, all the while I was slowly killing myself. The aisles seemed to rise over me, and close in, while the food choices seemed endless yet so little to choose from. It was the equivalent to feeling like a lab rat in an experiment, or one of those shelter animals that everyone stares at, but feels sorry for. I began hating grocery shopping for it felt as though every person was judging my cart...
Post a Comment
Read more

No Fat Girls

    Pink Martini was playing in the car when I read "no fat girls." This bumper sticker plastered to the back of this old, worn nissan driven by a man who had been eyeing me as I tread through the parking lot certainly made me want a martini, but I sat behind this man for a solid two minutes at a stoplight of what seemed to last eons, feeling the repulsed state of hatred and anger within myself further manifest.      This is not the first time I have seen this or things such as this either. Unfortunately, it will probably not be the last either. I realize America is a free country, of free speech, and before I go running my mouth- I know just as I have the right to express my outrage, he has the right to express his opinions of sexualized, false manhood, and egocentrical boyhood vain, and shallow desires in the land of unattainable appearances in the complex of what I would furthermore simply describe as- "asshole."       Ok......
Post a Comment
Read more

Road Workers and Saviors

     I think the road worker was drunk . You're looking to be saved, and you have followed all of the signs, but you have definitely come to the wrong place. Someone should fire that guy because the sign for Heaven should be going the other way. I do not have wings, and I cannot fly. I am not perfect, and am about as far from as they come. You look to be saved, but I am still figuring out how to save myself if I am being honest. I will carry you as far as I am able, but when I fall short- I apologize in advance.      I wish I could solve your problems, and take your load, but I am only one person . I will offer you a hand, and the seeds I hope you will use to nourish your body, and carry you the right way on the path to someone better equipped, but if you choose to merely feed them to the birds, or throw them in the dead of the night, and exhaust my resources until I have nothing to give either of us, then I am useless.      ...
Post a Comment
Read more