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Enough

     She was struggling to find clarity. She looked down at her ligaments trying to deny the fact she could no longer feel them, not that she had been able to within the past several days due to the fact they were purple. Twisting her finger around the steaming coffee cup that was the sole reason she was able to keep her head up, for empty was her once fiery spirit, and hollowed were her once beautiful eyes...
     I had written these words recently, upon a break through in finding clarity. I am Virago, and it has taken me far too long to realize that no one will ever critique me as much as I viciously criticize and belittle myself. Perfectionist. Shamed. Lonely. Outgoing. Optimistic. Smiling. So many masks of deceit in the downward spiral that has tried to rob me of everything, eventually almost claiming my life. Hidden secrets and shame that left me isolated and empty. Colors had become obsolete matter, for everything melts into a dull gray through sunken in eyes, and you want nothing more than to lay down in your cold aura about what you make to be a pathetic existence, feeling you may never climb out of the darkest ravine you've faced in your short life. I had sworn that I was only going to get in shape, but it went too far. I had become the monster inside my head, who I feared the most, and let her win. I had become Ana- and anorexia almost won.
     Anorexia was a word that took too long to let out into the air. She was the sting of an unrelenting winter, for I was fearful of others judgement. More so, I was afraid to speak myself. She mesmerizes you, and promises you the unobtainable- but I was too foolish to see this. I was too foolish. And some days I still am. Letting Ana out, was freeing myself, and admitting I am not strong, and I don't have to be perfect. Even typing that sentence is something I struggle to see. I've been told I am too self denigrating; I know. Ana is the back stabbing best friend you love because she would give you the world so you think, but deep down you know you'd be better without her, and wish she'd get the hell out. Only now do I realize this.
    Only now am I beginning to awaken, and see that the foundation to happiness begins with health. I realize that while recovery is difficult, relapse is not a choice. These things come down to the choice of life and death- and choosing to finally live. I long to view my world through colors. The love and self acceptance will come too, but baby steps in a day at a time. I know that my horizons are endless, and I can paint my world to whatever I desire- when I grow stronger. Each day I can sit a little straighter, focus more, and learn to use my voice to silence the one inside... I call a success. And for now, I will do the best I can, and as someone wise once told me... I just have to trust it's going to be enough.

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