She was in utter shock with waves of pandemonium violently racing through her mind, and crashing onto the shore of her life which she had been trying for so long to keep perfect. Unable to form a coherent thought, or fully able to grasp what was going to happen- her eyes wildly darted around the room praying she would wake up from the nightmare that had so quickly become her reality. For the first time in her 17 years of life she was raw, and a true reflection of the terror, despair, and deep pain she had stifled for far too long behind gentle eyes, and a deceptive smile with the words "I'm fine," that had now fallen apart at the seams.
I am unable to change my past- or the way this one day two years ago today still deeply affects me. This girl had lost control of her life, and didn't know where to turn. She had been in the dark for so long stumbling around only making it by a stroke of luck, but it had finally run out. She hit a wall, and wrecked. That morning I wished to be dead, feeling I only inhibited the lives of the people around me, and not sure how to live with the presence of myself as a result. That morning I had thought about crashing my car, coming so close as to have begun swerving only to hear the blaring of the horn from the driver behind me, and something snapped me back into the reality of myself, and Christ's presence which I solely credit to the reason I did not choose to wreck my car on the way to school.
I laid in the hospital room that same morning wondering why I was nothing more than a failure. In those moments, no one could have hated me more than I hated myself. I loathed the pain I had caused others. I realize now however that day broke a wall, and begun a road to healing. I've learned many things in these last two years which have begun reviving pieces of the girl who had been lodged so deep into darkness she never imagined finding her way out- such as loving her in her imperfection.
Relinquishing control on that day was something I had to do. But only when we let go can we be free. I began to speak, and I began to process the emotions that affected me, and found out perhaps I was not so awful a creature after all. I learned that through our greatest fears, comes our most beautiful strengths.
Today, I look at this road of losing control, and recognize all the things I allowed myself to lose control of- and how I attempted to begin controlling it through anorexia. It was a shadow of another realm I did not recognize until she was already so far gone.
Each day is a journey and a battle. Through therapy, regaining myself, and finding the forgiveness to let go in the deepest of wounds, I have once again begun to see clarity in my life. I realize the journey I've been on in the last two years, and am thankful each day is another step in a journey towards finding recovery now, and that I am not the girl I once was.
I realize that my road, and battles are not the ideal, but I do recognize that they allow me to grow stronger. I think if I could go back and change things I would not for they have brought me to where I am and where I am going. Sometimes things must fall apart before they can fall into place, but when we salvage the wreckage through grace, surely nothing is impossible.
I am unable to change my past- or the way this one day two years ago today still deeply affects me. This girl had lost control of her life, and didn't know where to turn. She had been in the dark for so long stumbling around only making it by a stroke of luck, but it had finally run out. She hit a wall, and wrecked. That morning I wished to be dead, feeling I only inhibited the lives of the people around me, and not sure how to live with the presence of myself as a result. That morning I had thought about crashing my car, coming so close as to have begun swerving only to hear the blaring of the horn from the driver behind me, and something snapped me back into the reality of myself, and Christ's presence which I solely credit to the reason I did not choose to wreck my car on the way to school.
I laid in the hospital room that same morning wondering why I was nothing more than a failure. In those moments, no one could have hated me more than I hated myself. I loathed the pain I had caused others. I realize now however that day broke a wall, and begun a road to healing. I've learned many things in these last two years which have begun reviving pieces of the girl who had been lodged so deep into darkness she never imagined finding her way out- such as loving her in her imperfection.
Relinquishing control on that day was something I had to do. But only when we let go can we be free. I began to speak, and I began to process the emotions that affected me, and found out perhaps I was not so awful a creature after all. I learned that through our greatest fears, comes our most beautiful strengths.
Today, I look at this road of losing control, and recognize all the things I allowed myself to lose control of- and how I attempted to begin controlling it through anorexia. It was a shadow of another realm I did not recognize until she was already so far gone.
Each day is a journey and a battle. Through therapy, regaining myself, and finding the forgiveness to let go in the deepest of wounds, I have once again begun to see clarity in my life. I realize the journey I've been on in the last two years, and am thankful each day is another step in a journey towards finding recovery now, and that I am not the girl I once was.
I realize that my road, and battles are not the ideal, but I do recognize that they allow me to grow stronger. I think if I could go back and change things I would not for they have brought me to where I am and where I am going. Sometimes things must fall apart before they can fall into place, but when we salvage the wreckage through grace, surely nothing is impossible.
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