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Inconsolable- Beneath the Surface

     I think that 95% of my time in the last week has been eating and sleeping. At least, that has been the way its' felt. I spent tonight researching questions such as "is it common to constantly sleep during recovery," or, "is sudden extreme hunger common?"
     Being home for what will mark two weeks on Sunday, and [mostly] on my own has been rewarding, but also incredibly difficult and exhausting. I've learned the true meaning of taking things a day at a time because I never know how my body will be feeling one day to the next, or what I can best do for it. Some days I find myself forcing food into my mouth because I realize my recovery depends on it, and I  spend time differentiating that the eating disorder is denying the need for nutrition rather than my stifled rational thought. Other days however, terrify me much more.    
     Lately I have been feeling an inconsolable hunger. I've never felt this way. I've grown accustomed to nausea from eating because I let myself become so deprived. I thrived on it. I feel overtaken by shame for the amount of food I consume in hunger- gluttonous, fat uncomfortable, and fearful. I am not sure for what this fear is. My initial response was a fear of gaining weight, to which I know is the only way to truly recover, but at a deeper glance I know that it stretches far beyond my vain, appearance oriented, irrational ways of thinking.
     I fear my inconsolable hunger because I fear losing control. In these moments of trying to silence a hunger that speaks louder than my most profound thoughts, I have been working tirelessly against my body for "control" over what I have had all along. I was researching tonight, and came to discover most people when re-feeding hit a point in their recovery where they feel what is known as "extreme hunger," and can eat... well... a lot of food in a day [I will not tack up calories to avoid triggering anyone else who may read this], but the numbers terrified me. I think it is also remembering that our bodies are pretty great things, and will know when enough is enough. They eventually cut off the hunger once they have been satisfied.
     I've grown to appreciate naps lately because in this time my body heals, and I release the weight of the world from my shoulders in that short stretch for which my body rests. I think one of the kindest things I can do for myself is to stop fighting. I realize relinquishing control is far easier said than done, but as I have said before- I know my ways aren't too great or I wouldn't have ended up where I am. I know that one day at a time things will ease up, and this will not last forever. I know that by handing over control to my body to do the undertaking, I allow my hunger for control to be silenced, and am making the conscious choice to say no to relapse as I launch towards recovery.


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