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"Fat Days"

     I know I am not alone when I say everyone has days where they feel as though they are down trodden scum. For me, I find myself feeling quite uncomfortable beneath my skin. I say this carefully, for I am a living heart beat with feelings, joys, pains, and cares beneath the shell that protects this inner being. I think my therapist hit the nail on the head today when she labeled these days of low self worth as the "fat days."
     You know, the sort of day you find yourself changing your shirt again and again, curling up, attempting to hide away from the world. These are the days in which I face the mirror, only seeing the flaws of my physique. Yet, I am learning it goes so much deeper than this. I am compiled of more than the skin and bones I allowed others to manipulate when I did not know better. How could I? When I begin to feel this way, it's now learning to question what inside allows me to feel so fat  uncomfortable?
     Being in treatment, gaining weight is obviously a part of the recovery process for those who come in under weight, and unhealthy. Falling into this category means there is a lot of catching up to do- or a lot of emotions to process. The re feeding is only a small piece of a bigger picture. It is learning to love yourself for the person you are. It is the scavenging for  the broken pieces from bruises, scars, baggage buried so deep that it takes the most obscure memories to unlock these chained demons that keep you at the bottom of the sea unable to float... and putting the broken puzzle back together. It never looks quite the same, but the resilient warrior that results is still all the more beautiful as result.
      Life is slowly beginning to come alive under a whirlwind- but I am learning that the colors are messy right now, and that is ok. It is okay to be uncomfortable, and okay to have "fat days." I am human, and this little fragile soul is healing while growing into the shell it was meant to. Someone so small and frail can't conquer the world if she loses her soul beneath the shadow of Ana.
     It is okay to cry, so long as you question why. Processing is part of the "process." Healing comes from pain, and life involves learning to dance in the rain. And as for those fat days... it's a work in process- baby steps and remembering to keep swimming.  

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