Skip to main content

"Fat Days"

     I know I am not alone when I say everyone has days where they feel as though they are down trodden scum. For me, I find myself feeling quite uncomfortable beneath my skin. I say this carefully, for I am a living heart beat with feelings, joys, pains, and cares beneath the shell that protects this inner being. I think my therapist hit the nail on the head today when she labeled these days of low self worth as the "fat days."
     You know, the sort of day you find yourself changing your shirt again and again, curling up, attempting to hide away from the world. These are the days in which I face the mirror, only seeing the flaws of my physique. Yet, I am learning it goes so much deeper than this. I am compiled of more than the skin and bones I allowed others to manipulate when I did not know better. How could I? When I begin to feel this way, it's now learning to question what inside allows me to feel so fat  uncomfortable?
     Being in treatment, gaining weight is obviously a part of the recovery process for those who come in under weight, and unhealthy. Falling into this category means there is a lot of catching up to do- or a lot of emotions to process. The re feeding is only a small piece of a bigger picture. It is learning to love yourself for the person you are. It is the scavenging for  the broken pieces from bruises, scars, baggage buried so deep that it takes the most obscure memories to unlock these chained demons that keep you at the bottom of the sea unable to float... and putting the broken puzzle back together. It never looks quite the same, but the resilient warrior that results is still all the more beautiful as result.
      Life is slowly beginning to come alive under a whirlwind- but I am learning that the colors are messy right now, and that is ok. It is okay to be uncomfortable, and okay to have "fat days." I am human, and this little fragile soul is healing while growing into the shell it was meant to. Someone so small and frail can't conquer the world if she loses her soul beneath the shadow of Ana.
     It is okay to cry, so long as you question why. Processing is part of the "process." Healing comes from pain, and life involves learning to dance in the rain. And as for those fat days... it's a work in process- baby steps and remembering to keep swimming.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Blessings in Disguise

     I was drowning under the weight of my own thoughts. Those who have ever felt the burden of their mind as it takes off beneath their body, and chains them to their worst nightmare from which they feel they will never escape may understand exactly the intruding emotions that inhabit the space I must live- known as my mind. To be gasping for air, and unable to draw in the breath essential to life. To look around trying so hard to find the break in the storm clouds, and only seeing the bundles of dismal gray without a glimmer of sun.       I never thought I would say it, but having to take medical leave this semester might be one of the best things that has happened to me. Initially, I was angry, hurting, cold, and lonely.. but lonely because I had become not only physically malnourished, but spiritually. It was never that I had doubted God existed, or he had a plan.. but I know I put it on the backburner- and I did certainly feel as thoug...
Post a Comment
Read more

Everlasting- or Throwing Away the Instant Gratification Mindset

     I fumble through the partial darkness, insulted by the harsh light that streams in from the hallway, and hurts my poorly adjusted eyes as I am just being aroused from my indecent sleep. Today I was lucky, and woke up to the nice tech who sings your name out in a way that makes you a little more willing to get out of bed, but other mornings you end up being aroused by what one staff member may have snarkily referred to as "the humdingers- but you can pick those out." Obviously, I really like her too. I make my way towards the bathroom to change from my warm sweats into a thin gown that briskly snaps me alert, as I begin to hover down the hallway towards the scale to be weighed, and have my vitals taken. These are the moments where you are forced to look away. It's all about the numbers, but you aren't allowed to know anymore. It's like the weight of the world and control is crucial, but this is no longer yours. It is terrifying, and enough to ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Vulnerable Trust (AKA the getaway car and crazy cat lady starter kit edition)

     Trust . Being vulnerable. Taking a chance with someone, by letting them see the inner layers of yourself, sometimes to the point where they are wielders of information that could be used to hurt you down the road if they so choose... OK. So. Where is my rope, ladder, wine, getaway car, and crazy cat (or dog) lady starter kit? I need it stat.      I love people. I care for people, and to lay down whatever I am doing to care for someone else is something I would do in an instant if it is to mean that their day or moment may be a little lighter, or brighter because of it. You never know the battle someone else is facing, or the story that lays deep beneath a persons eyes. Be kind, and gentle in your ways, and hug the ones you love. Hell- hug the ones you can't stand too- they tend to all too often be the ones who need it the most, and fall to the wayside because they have never received the love that they deserve as well. We are all childr...
Post a Comment
Read more