I was drowning under the weight of my own thoughts. Those who have ever felt the burden of their mind as it takes off beneath their body, and chains them to their worst nightmare from which they feel they will never escape may understand exactly the intruding emotions that inhabit the space I must live- known as my mind. To be gasping for air, and unable to draw in the breath essential to life. To look around trying so hard to find the break in the storm clouds, and only seeing the bundles of dismal gray without a glimmer of sun.
I never thought I would say it, but having to take medical leave this semester might be one of the best things that has happened to me. Initially, I was angry, hurting, cold, and lonely.. but lonely because I had become not only physically malnourished, but spiritually. It was never that I had doubted God existed, or he had a plan.. but I know I put it on the backburner- and I did certainly feel as though heaven forgot my address. But this certainly has not been the case. All in my struggling, and flailing with the inability to relinquish pieces of control that keep me hurting and broken, I realize God has been guiding things, be it through a harsh reality of having to go home, the people who have entered my life, or the ability I have to attend services in my home church every week now that I am home without distraction since I am only taking a few classes now.
The past two and a half years have not been the brightest times in my journey. I burned myself out in my idea of perfection, my goals and aspirations, my desire to please people at all costs of my well-being. I have learned my way- is not always his way. His way, is so much more. I have spent so much time trying to row my boat, and keep moving against the wind current that I forgot their was a sail waiting to be used to guide me in the right direction. Pushing back at the current in my plans has not done me much good other than reminding me that I alone am pretty weak, and easily fatigued, but choosing to set forth in sailing through Christ's will in my life gives me a reason to fight for recovery, a reason to love unrelentingly, to forgive, to walk in the light, and to laugh once again.
I know alone I cannot recover from an eating disorder, but since I have allowed Christ to work more fully in my life- there are simply no words to describe the freedom I have begun to feel from the weight that has pinned me into the ground for so long. It is not to say I do not take steps backwards. I do- but I also am able to put on His armor, and walk forward knowing that I am not alone, nor will I ever be alone again. I see hope for recovery now because I have stopped focusing on facts and stressors of everyday life to focus on His promise, and His plan. It is scary not knowing what may become of it... but I have always had a heart for adventure- and this is certainly the adventure of a lifetime.
I never thought I would say it, but having to take medical leave this semester might be one of the best things that has happened to me. Initially, I was angry, hurting, cold, and lonely.. but lonely because I had become not only physically malnourished, but spiritually. It was never that I had doubted God existed, or he had a plan.. but I know I put it on the backburner- and I did certainly feel as though heaven forgot my address. But this certainly has not been the case. All in my struggling, and flailing with the inability to relinquish pieces of control that keep me hurting and broken, I realize God has been guiding things, be it through a harsh reality of having to go home, the people who have entered my life, or the ability I have to attend services in my home church every week now that I am home without distraction since I am only taking a few classes now.
The past two and a half years have not been the brightest times in my journey. I burned myself out in my idea of perfection, my goals and aspirations, my desire to please people at all costs of my well-being. I have learned my way- is not always his way. His way, is so much more. I have spent so much time trying to row my boat, and keep moving against the wind current that I forgot their was a sail waiting to be used to guide me in the right direction. Pushing back at the current in my plans has not done me much good other than reminding me that I alone am pretty weak, and easily fatigued, but choosing to set forth in sailing through Christ's will in my life gives me a reason to fight for recovery, a reason to love unrelentingly, to forgive, to walk in the light, and to laugh once again.
I know alone I cannot recover from an eating disorder, but since I have allowed Christ to work more fully in my life- there are simply no words to describe the freedom I have begun to feel from the weight that has pinned me into the ground for so long. It is not to say I do not take steps backwards. I do- but I also am able to put on His armor, and walk forward knowing that I am not alone, nor will I ever be alone again. I see hope for recovery now because I have stopped focusing on facts and stressors of everyday life to focus on His promise, and His plan. It is scary not knowing what may become of it... but I have always had a heart for adventure- and this is certainly the adventure of a lifetime.
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