Whenever you make a mistake, it is never too late to turn around and do the next right thing. Each word is an intricate thread. Alone it is fragile and easily wavering, but woven together, these words I can only hope will create a beautiful and unbreakable masterpiece full of significance that will not only work towards my own greater peace, but that will one day be of aid to others...
Life is full of chaos in its' unexpected turns of events, and while we may be predisposed to trials that create discord in our journey, and adversity in the path that is out of our control, it does not have to determine our future. Trial either defines or refines us. The choice is ours to hit the ground running.
The last month has been a rude, but completely humbling and necessary awakening into a destination greater than an eating disorder. Learning how to recover calls me to accept an identity as a person beyond the eating disorder in which I have so long rooted myself. It means choosing to show compassion to myself instead of denigrating, and allowing myself to accept love from and others. I have to believe I am worthy of freedom, and choose to walk away from the chains of the relationship to figure out who I am, and what I can be. And this is utterly terrifying.
To learn who I am as a human being, and how I can possibly be more. That I have the compassion and ability to give to the world, and I am a tangible person with a heartbeat. A soul. That I am kind, and lovable, capable, and brave. Worthy of love, and acceptance. As I type these words, the sensation of electricity that flows through the body is thrilling, but also anxiety provoking to understand that my words can be my door. The realization that I have made a conscious choice that I will now have a future.. it is liberating, and also enough to leave you reeling.
I choose this life because I am more than the girl who has faded into the small depths of the shadows. This girl I am becoming- no this girl I have always been is not a squeaky clean array of a girl neatly assembled in a mirror. No. That mirror has been fucked up far before an eating disorder became a guiding force in my path anyways, and I can say that with a derogatory term because I believe as someone wise once told me- that sometimes those words are the appropriate seasonings in conversation when something needs to be strongly stated. This girl has a beautiful soul in a blurred reflection on the water. Always changing- moving- never clear, but never still, and that is okay- wonderful really because stagnant ideas lay to create turmoil, while new thought is room for ever growing hope. Life is the conscious choice to keep moving towards hope, and happiness. Choosing happy. Seeing beyond the shallow array of clear reflections that look so perfect- just as the apple in the Garden of Eden. Ha. While I cannot see where the river can take me, or the bottom- traveling by Faith is the best way anyways.
I've learned in the last month when I try to manipulate my path making everything tangible and clear- it simply will not work. I am not a good navigator in a storm- but generally no one is unless their name is Jesus, and they are walking on water. I cannot walk a path to recovery alone, and I am glad I quit trying to. I cannot make a river diluted to predict what will happen. Just the way I could not leave school and say, what is going to happen a month out- I simply had to do it. Trusting is terrifying. You have to get out of the boat that is sinking and trust Christ is carrying you as you take the steps on the water. When we give our troubles to what is greater than ourselves- we never walk alone. When we go outside of our selfish inhibitions, anything is possible, and nothing is inconquerable. I am not my eating disorder- and I have a God who has helped me look beyond the things in which I fall short, and for that I am eternally blessed.
I can say in this day that I feel more free from this disorder than I have felt in years. I have decided that Ed and I are no longer synonymous- and he screams, but I don't care. I have bigger shit to worry about. It doesn't mean the struggles will not and do not still surface and come to mind, because it doesn't dissipate in a night. Meal plans will need to be followed, and health is a fragile state on its' way. But the fact that I have made the conscious decision to choose happy-- to choose freedom... well- it is a step in the right direction.
Life is full of chaos in its' unexpected turns of events, and while we may be predisposed to trials that create discord in our journey, and adversity in the path that is out of our control, it does not have to determine our future. Trial either defines or refines us. The choice is ours to hit the ground running.
The last month has been a rude, but completely humbling and necessary awakening into a destination greater than an eating disorder. Learning how to recover calls me to accept an identity as a person beyond the eating disorder in which I have so long rooted myself. It means choosing to show compassion to myself instead of denigrating, and allowing myself to accept love from and others. I have to believe I am worthy of freedom, and choose to walk away from the chains of the relationship to figure out who I am, and what I can be. And this is utterly terrifying.
To learn who I am as a human being, and how I can possibly be more. That I have the compassion and ability to give to the world, and I am a tangible person with a heartbeat. A soul. That I am kind, and lovable, capable, and brave. Worthy of love, and acceptance. As I type these words, the sensation of electricity that flows through the body is thrilling, but also anxiety provoking to understand that my words can be my door. The realization that I have made a conscious choice that I will now have a future.. it is liberating, and also enough to leave you reeling.
I choose this life because I am more than the girl who has faded into the small depths of the shadows. This girl I am becoming- no this girl I have always been is not a squeaky clean array of a girl neatly assembled in a mirror. No. That mirror has been fucked up far before an eating disorder became a guiding force in my path anyways, and I can say that with a derogatory term because I believe as someone wise once told me- that sometimes those words are the appropriate seasonings in conversation when something needs to be strongly stated. This girl has a beautiful soul in a blurred reflection on the water. Always changing- moving- never clear, but never still, and that is okay- wonderful really because stagnant ideas lay to create turmoil, while new thought is room for ever growing hope. Life is the conscious choice to keep moving towards hope, and happiness. Choosing happy. Seeing beyond the shallow array of clear reflections that look so perfect- just as the apple in the Garden of Eden. Ha. While I cannot see where the river can take me, or the bottom- traveling by Faith is the best way anyways.
I've learned in the last month when I try to manipulate my path making everything tangible and clear- it simply will not work. I am not a good navigator in a storm- but generally no one is unless their name is Jesus, and they are walking on water. I cannot walk a path to recovery alone, and I am glad I quit trying to. I cannot make a river diluted to predict what will happen. Just the way I could not leave school and say, what is going to happen a month out- I simply had to do it. Trusting is terrifying. You have to get out of the boat that is sinking and trust Christ is carrying you as you take the steps on the water. When we give our troubles to what is greater than ourselves- we never walk alone. When we go outside of our selfish inhibitions, anything is possible, and nothing is inconquerable. I am not my eating disorder- and I have a God who has helped me look beyond the things in which I fall short, and for that I am eternally blessed.
I can say in this day that I feel more free from this disorder than I have felt in years. I have decided that Ed and I are no longer synonymous- and he screams, but I don't care. I have bigger shit to worry about. It doesn't mean the struggles will not and do not still surface and come to mind, because it doesn't dissipate in a night. Meal plans will need to be followed, and health is a fragile state on its' way. But the fact that I have made the conscious decision to choose happy-- to choose freedom... well- it is a step in the right direction.
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