The Tales of Virago-- A Beautiful Mess

     Waves . The water has finally slowed to subtle ripples that seem navigable, only to be in a full blown tidal force so great that you are struggling to breathe. Struggling to stay above the water. Forget the boat you were in because you know it is gone. You are merely hoping- praying that someone sends for a life preserver to come save you as you begin to feel helpless, as your eyes dart back and forth. You no longer feel that you are an adult- only to be reduced to the child people frequently mistake you for anyways, and you now believe you are too. The glassy look in your eyes that tries so hard to choke back the tears, the broken sentences, the fear... you lose the ability to take care of yourself. You feel mournful. You grieve. The bitter air fills your lungs as you try to remember that the sun will rise and shine again, and it is just behind the cloud- and it is not really even gone. But it is so difficult. But so is life. And you are pissed at yourself f...

     I woke up to a lot of birds today, and I've noticed them throughout my day. Their sweet sound- and it reminds me of you...      The sun always seems to shine the day after we lose a loved one- but today it shines exceptionally bright. Perhaps because you have been one of the most radiant, kind hearted and beautiful people I have ever met inside and out. I have always appreciated your value on the simple things in life; like laughter, sunshine, your family, friendships, the power and passion of music you devoted yourself to, and living each day to the fullest. You took adventures as they came- and truly grabbed it by the reigns (or the bow in some cases...). You truly helped those around you to let go of  superficial things that would not matter in the grand scheme.      As I was driving this morning- I hadn't cried yet today, until I drove past the last place we met up for tea at a few months ago back home. You vis...

     Today I should have just been getting home with another 18 credits under my belt. I should have taken my last final at 8:00 a.m. this morning, and driven home today having to of packed an entire dorm. I should have been in Rockford, Illinois two months ago today halfway through my semester with the choir I aspired to be a part of when told in my freshman orientation that "freshmen like you don't generally DO Concert Choir," and I worked hard to prove them wrong the day I moved onto that campus. I should be piano proficient- or finished with music theory.... but life happened, and that's OK.      Two months ago today instead of being where I "should have" been- I was near Philadelphia in an emergency room getting ready to be placed onto the eating disorder unit- all while the i.v's for potassium and fluid restoration protruded from my arm: Cold. Frail. Shaking. Scared. Lonely. Self- Loathing. And Internally Dead . Saying I should have be...