Today I should have just been getting home with another 18 credits under my belt. I should have taken my last final at 8:00 a.m. this morning, and driven home today having to of packed an entire dorm. I should have been in Rockford, Illinois two months ago today halfway through my semester with the choir I aspired to be a part of when told in my freshman orientation that "freshmen like you don't generally DO Concert Choir," and I worked hard to prove them wrong the day I moved onto that campus. I should be piano proficient- or finished with music theory.... but life happened, and that's OK.
Two months ago today instead of being where I "should have" been- I was near Philadelphia in an emergency room getting ready to be placed onto the eating disorder unit- all while the i.v's for potassium and fluid restoration protruded from my arm: Cold. Frail. Shaking. Scared. Lonely. Self- Loathing. And Internally Dead. Saying I should have been on a tour, or at school, is the equivalent to saying I should have been dead.
Choosing to leave this semester was a decision that was made very last minute- within 72 hours of leaving school- and within 48 hours of the bus that left for the tour I had been looking forward to. Not going on that tour made me feel like a failure not only to myself, but to the ensemble that I care for deeply, and would do anything to support, and have supported in that time- including further damaging my frail state. I hated myself for the choices I made, but even moreso for the spiral I had placed myself into that made it so my hopes were no longer attainable. I am also thankful for the grace of my professors, and their guidance to put myself first, and for teaching me that sometimes self care must come first.
Sometimes, we work so hard to please others, that we end up putting ourselves on the bottom of the totem pole. I casted aside everything I needed as a luxury of which I was undeserving to try and be the best at everything, and to everyone, be it my friends, colleagues or the professors to which I wanted to so desperately please with my work. But not caring for yourself does the opposite. No one will respect me when I so obviously disrespect myself. Bless you to the people who became upset with me when I was horrible to myself (but were graceful and forgiving and kind too). Thank you to the professors and people in my life who showed me that even though I am a student- it doesn't matter what I am if I am dead. Thank you for showing me that health is real, and obtainable, and I deserve to get well. Even if it means straying from the path for a little while.
Looking back at leaving school to now- I sometimes used to wonder if I should have stayed, or what would have happened if I had stayed? Would I have been able to delay treatment, or even have gotten better by myself? As time has gone on, and I have, and am still gradually working towards recovering myself- I realize if I had stayed I would probably be dead. That girl was not okay, and she was in a spiral that no one could have saved her from, until she wanted to save herself. But I am forever thankful to the people who helped me forgive myself, and coerced me to take the leap as I fearfully lept.
So yes. Today is May 6th. And I didn't complete another 18 credits. Or take my finals at school. But I did complete six. And I accomplished much more than that. I'm alive again.
Two months ago today instead of being where I "should have" been- I was near Philadelphia in an emergency room getting ready to be placed onto the eating disorder unit- all while the i.v's for potassium and fluid restoration protruded from my arm: Cold. Frail. Shaking. Scared. Lonely. Self- Loathing. And Internally Dead. Saying I should have been on a tour, or at school, is the equivalent to saying I should have been dead.
Choosing to leave this semester was a decision that was made very last minute- within 72 hours of leaving school- and within 48 hours of the bus that left for the tour I had been looking forward to. Not going on that tour made me feel like a failure not only to myself, but to the ensemble that I care for deeply, and would do anything to support, and have supported in that time- including further damaging my frail state. I hated myself for the choices I made, but even moreso for the spiral I had placed myself into that made it so my hopes were no longer attainable. I am also thankful for the grace of my professors, and their guidance to put myself first, and for teaching me that sometimes self care must come first.
Sometimes, we work so hard to please others, that we end up putting ourselves on the bottom of the totem pole. I casted aside everything I needed as a luxury of which I was undeserving to try and be the best at everything, and to everyone, be it my friends, colleagues or the professors to which I wanted to so desperately please with my work. But not caring for yourself does the opposite. No one will respect me when I so obviously disrespect myself. Bless you to the people who became upset with me when I was horrible to myself (but were graceful and forgiving and kind too). Thank you to the professors and people in my life who showed me that even though I am a student- it doesn't matter what I am if I am dead. Thank you for showing me that health is real, and obtainable, and I deserve to get well. Even if it means straying from the path for a little while.
Looking back at leaving school to now- I sometimes used to wonder if I should have stayed, or what would have happened if I had stayed? Would I have been able to delay treatment, or even have gotten better by myself? As time has gone on, and I have, and am still gradually working towards recovering myself- I realize if I had stayed I would probably be dead. That girl was not okay, and she was in a spiral that no one could have saved her from, until she wanted to save herself. But I am forever thankful to the people who helped me forgive myself, and coerced me to take the leap as I fearfully lept.
So yes. Today is May 6th. And I didn't complete another 18 credits. Or take my finals at school. But I did complete six. And I accomplished much more than that. I'm alive again.
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