Skip to main content

Fluidity

     It is truly amazing how much bullshit spews from my mouth when I am not careful with my words. To be deceitful, and go into autopilot to please those around me, and "perform to perfection." The daunting work on a road that lies ahead when you realize the smooth silk of words as they role off your tongue in this person that is you... but she is not you because it is merely a monster that encapsulates your very shell at what feels to be every moment unrelenting.
     Breathe. 
   You don't have to have life figured out. I don't have to have life figured out. Fine. Speaking of which, I've come to learn that fine might as well be saying fuck you- fuck off because that is the crock of shit for which most people have come to interpret this arbitrary, middle of the road word which people use so often to keep a murky veil over their wave of emotions that scare the living hell out of them. Perhaps it is because the feeling of sadness... well, sucks; but moreso because being vulnerable is absolutely terrifying. 
      I am learning to soften my heart. No one needs to know everything- that's not someone's job. However, in being more fluid, I am learning the beauty of authentic, and real relationships. In confiding something uncomfortable, and hearing a sigh when someone says- thank God I no longer have to walk alone, or feel trapped in darkness. Under sheaths of shame. By being honest- thinking- it allows people to come alive- stay alive. 

     I do not know everything-- and I sure do screw up enough- but if there is one thing I will take from days like today... it is that in all things- use your words carefully, and thoughtfully. The difference can truly be a make or break.   


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

You're Not a Mistake

      My daily commute is two hours, and there is not much to say beyond that-- with the exception of  a few highlights including flying deer, car accidents, and the occasional middle finger-- incidentally committed by both parties if I am being an honest writer. Save for a Spotify playlist and angry drivers-- the car occupied by me, myself, and I lies quiet.      Quiet is a perfect place for big thoughts.       This morning as I made the commute, there were several accidents-- a daily occurrence as of lately. As my Spotify playlist moved, but the living hell of traffic remained stationary (come on people-- pay attention!!) I could feel frustration rising, as my face gave way to red before eventually crying on the free way. You know-- the cry that isn't from just the relevant incident really, but actually from that annoyance, and the four days-- or months of really big things prior where you didn't cry? Yeah-- that cry. T...
Post a Comment
Read more

Everlasting- or Throwing Away the Instant Gratification Mindset

     I fumble through the partial darkness, insulted by the harsh light that streams in from the hallway, and hurts my poorly adjusted eyes as I am just being aroused from my indecent sleep. Today I was lucky, and woke up to the nice tech who sings your name out in a way that makes you a little more willing to get out of bed, but other mornings you end up being aroused by what one staff member may have snarkily referred to as "the humdingers- but you can pick those out." Obviously, I really like her too. I make my way towards the bathroom to change from my warm sweats into a thin gown that briskly snaps me alert, as I begin to hover down the hallway towards the scale to be weighed, and have my vitals taken. These are the moments where you are forced to look away. It's all about the numbers, but you aren't allowed to know anymore. It's like the weight of the world and control is crucial, but this is no longer yours. It is terrifying, and enough to ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Learning to Live

     I had to go grocery shopping. I came home Sunday night knowing there would be no food in the house for me to eat.  *Disclaimer: I had asked mom to hold off on the shopping- and shout out to her for going with me to learn about my meal planning*      This task, so simple to most, which I've always enjoyed doing had become a cruel game to this heavy loaded mind. A task such as entering a store for three items, left me dissecting labels in the store for hours, often leaving with a different cart than intended, for I wanted the "best" option for my body, all the while I was slowly killing myself. The aisles seemed to rise over me, and close in, while the food choices seemed endless yet so little to choose from. It was the equivalent to feeling like a lab rat in an experiment, or one of those shelter animals that everyone stares at, but feels sorry for. I began hating grocery shopping for it felt as though every person was judging my cart...
Post a Comment
Read more