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Surrender

     Today I was asked to come face to face with the things I have been dishonest about. The things I carry in my pocket. The things I protect. The things I bury. The things I have justified, or believed for so long as just practice- and tried to rationalize as okay when all along they have done nothing, but rob me of my freedom, and design. Leave me void of the life I have been called to live, and envelop me in a veil of darkness that oftentimes keeps me awake until 3am questioning my own decisions.
   
But still- I swear that I am right  Ed is right. 

    On my list I rejoiced because things I struggled with, and addictions I justified and hid have been chains that have been broken even in the last six months since I performed this exercise. But then, I looked long and hard at this little orange sheet of paper that stood before my eyes. At the words that stood before what was only my two eyes, or so I thought for all of a split two seconds, and felt deep remorse. I have been fighting a war against myself in these few battles that remain, when I know I do not, and never have to walk alone. 

Until I surrender these last battles to the light- recovery will never truly be mine. 

The last of the sick clothes--- have got to go. 

     So much as uttering these words brings anxiety- but also a sense of hope because I know it is not something I can do alone, nor am I supposed to. As someone who spends so much time pushing people away, I know God will push me out beyond my comfort zone to show me how I am capable of growing, and doing all things. 
    I was listening to music on my drive home from an appointment this afternoon- 45 miles, and the song multiplied came on. And in the refrain, the words:

 "God of mercy sweet love of mine I have surrendered to Your design, May this offering stretch across the skies, And these Hallelujahs be multiplied"   
So with this next scary chapter- I am surrendering my will to his design. I don't know how, or what this entails, but I do know that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13 
 

    

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