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Abolishing Toxicity

     I have grown weary of fighting, and have decided that I will no longer do so. I am not destined to be fighting- let alone fighting myself, and neither are you.

As the semester has continued along, I have noticed the self denigration growing in not only myself, but those around me. The academic building that I live in has become consumed under a veil of perfectionism, high expectations, anxiety, and shortfalls that leave students numbing their pain through abusive coping mechanisms. We are not called to live this life.

The best news, is that we do not have to. I understand the tragedy of when the darkness lingers through your night, and becomes the equivalency of a living hell; where the world turning against you. I realize that those toxic thoughts are merely lies, and they are temporary. I have caught myself in a web of "could'ves" and "should'ves," but instead of making the time to do these things, I have been sitting in a circle caught beneath my own self pity, and decisions to remain in this dark place-failing to understand that important things do not always have to be academics, and that self care is acceptable. 

I have been failing to find beauty around me because I have forgotten how to open my eyes. Stretch myself. Take a chance. It was as if I had forgotten how to live. 

In a prison of lies- I find myself claiming the body I am gifted with, is simply not adequate. I only see the world in black and white, but it has is no room for such a lowly piece of shit such as myself. The girl in the mirror became my worst identity- and "piece of shit" echoed through my mind each time I would dare take a look. This is not my name. I am not the name worthless that wanders through my thoughts, as I make my morning commute to the music building. Almost tangible in its' toxicity. I am not a hopeless wreck- even in the midst of mascara streams and feeling downtrodden. I am not incompetent when I make a mistake... and I am not a human being that belongs on a puppet string. I am not those thoughts, and I am not that girl.

I am not those thoughts, and I am not that girl. 

I am Samantha. I am a warrior, and a girl who is doing her best. I am not the lies that become my demise, but I am a daughter of a King. I realize this is where my roots belong. I am called by name to do great things, and move mountains, and the beauty is we all are. 

We are conquerors. We are beautiful. We are not those denigrating words- we are human.   

 

 

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