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I Am- Freedom

     The warmth of the springtime sunshine, and clarity of crisp blue skies encompasses me in peace throughout my most trying of days. As i survey the land, the first signs of new life in my college town become more prevalent each day. As i traveled home this past weekend, the trees began to show me their masterpieces in hues of freshly laden greens, as the daffodils, and lilac bushes came to full life before my very eyes. It brings me joy watching creation rise to life in the time of Christ's resurrection.
     The last year has been full of its trials and tribulations- 
but those are not who i am. i have been spending a great deal of time trying to find the words that begin to convey the thoughts beneath the surface now because they are so thick. Beginning to untangle the emotions, the thoughts, the joy, the pain, the growth... giving it words, and setting it free- these are the difficult moments.
     There have been so many moments where i have shouted, sworn, and battled thoughts through the layers of tears crying aloud- is ANYONE listening?
I Am. 
     Not me. No. i- little me- "i is" not able to do it on my own. The one who spent her life in the grips of anorexia. Who walked with her head to the ground. Who felt she had to apologize for merely existing. Who decided her worth was in the numbers. In the sizes. In peoples thoughts instead of her Father aboves thoughts. In the thoughts of I AM- She is beautiful. Free. Forgiven. Beloved. 

HE is- I Am. The restorer. The builder. The wise one. My hope. My Freedom. Truth and Life. For every cry, he listens and I have learned that there is an answer- I Am.
  I have been so humbled in this last year. I find myself shaking as I write this- but blessed I am able to write this because Jesus helps me rise to life in living free. Yesterday-  
on Easter Sunday I celebrated one year of a new life from purging. This habit. This symptom. This horrendous thing had its' grips over my life, and though the war was far from over, laying it to rest has put me on a road to healing that has changed my life. That behavior was the one that caused my TMJD. That gave me two concussions from blacking out in my shower at college. That placed me on high doses of electrolyte supplements, or landed me in the hospital for dehydration. Was killing me from the inside out, and costing me my voice in a performance degree program.

     I never meant for the two to coincide, but I love that my year was on Easter. Jesus died to help me rise to life in living free. I know who and whose I am. This last year has been difficult, and taxing in some ways, such as continuing to fight. But honestly, I also know that fighting, and continuing to fight, and winning, and having the great I Am by my side is where I am called to be. This life is a crazy, and beautiful mess. And I would never change any part of its design. 

 

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