Asphyxiation

When people ask me what anxiety is like--I don't know how else to describe the emotion, so I use smoke. A fog. Light mists and grey hues gradually thicken and swallow the fixtures I once used to anchor my life. The path once certain, has now become an unrelenting black abyss I am asked to navigate. Panic begins to sink it's claws into the skin. The smoke in its' curl of black caresses my vulnerable body in an unwarranted manner. Asphyxiation gives way to surrender, as I lay down my body in what I could also describe--the meltdown.

Meltdown: Defined by Webster's Dictionary as 

: a rapid or disastrous decline or collapse 

or     

: a breakdown of self-control (as from fatigue or overstimulation) 

In example: me on my bathroom floor ugly crying for three hours straight about my failure as a person and to the race of humankind. Or for no reason. That too.       

Perhaps I am somehow the only human who struggles with such a syndrome of panic. Anxiety. Desperation. But I fear that this is not the case. It does not bring some unequitable joy to share sliver of what is vulnerable-- if you thought this might be the case.

Yet, I write because I know this precisely. I know someone will click on a link in curiosity, or perhaps their own desperation for what I shared this time. Or even to laugh at what is indeed, another vulnerable piece of myself out in the open for any person to witness and of course gawk. But that is not the point. 

The past few weeks ideally have not been highlights of what I'd like to call my best. At least, I would like to hope three hours crying on the bathroom floor two nights in a row isn't my best-- but again, I digress. The point is, no one is expected to be perfect at all points in time. Regardless the expectations, assignments, jobs, obligations, and other things that fall on your shoulders-- there comes a point in time where you might need to step back and take a moment to evaluate what you can do to take care of yourself. 

What needs to go? 

How are you going to take care of yourself, before you hit this point? 

If you have already hit that point-- what are you going to change??

Honestly, I can't say I have those answers-- I don't even have the answers in my own life (and if someone else does, certainly let me know). 

But if we don't make the decisions to let up and let go of other things in our lives, then what will we let go?