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Fessing Up: Judgemental, Disgusted, and Why I Need to Shut Up and Pause Before Acting

As I have been writing and reflecting on my past week felt compelled to share an experience I had while driving a couple days ago:

To give you some background: One day about six weeks ago my turn signals just decided at random to stop working consistently (because when you drive an old Pontiac if one light comes loose or goes out then all your lights stop wanting to work-- this time my high beams came loose from the duct taped holders. Classy, I know). Needless to say-- since they worked some of the time, and I didn't really have the time to fix them with working, and the lack of evening availability at the mechanic-- I waited and procrastinated because they worked sometimes, which you know-- the majority of the time is good enough, right?!
 
Fast forward to last weekend, and my lights died altogether when I was two hours from home in Madisonburg (and thank God I made it home alive and as a bonus-- ticket free), but of course my lights are fixed now after that (mis-)adventure.

Fasting forward once again to just a few days ago, I was driving on the capital bridge in downtown Harrisburg around rush hour (I've accepted most of my stories involve me in a car since I basically live on the road).
Relevant-ish side note: I always feel bad for anyone on the phone with me when I navigate traffic because they are the few who know my true character in frustrating moments-- and have probably witnessed my most disgusting verbal-tirades against every 18-wheeler who has almost crushed me on the I-81 on-ramp and... well... I am definitely human, and definitely no patron saint, and I need to work on it... but. Back to the subject.

ANYWAYS.

On this night there was one truck in particular who swerved in front of me, and I saw him stick his arm out the window and abruptly fly into my lane (well-- in the context of fly for rush hour). At first I went to lay on my horn because there was no turn signal used, but then I refrained as I realized that the arm was for a similar debacle to the one I had recently experienced-- no working turn signals, and at that moment I felt compassion. However, in that same breath there was an intense feeling of guilt that crept over me-- it were as if I had sent a mean text about someone behind their back, but sent it to that person and gotten caught in the act. Why?

"It were as if I had sent a mean text about someone behind their back, but instead sent it to that person and gotten caught in the act."  

While I realize in hindsight that I immediately forgave the man, and even then went so far as to try and help him navigate traffic safely (not sure how legal that was), it still doesn't excuse the fact that I am so quick to judge other drivers whose situations I can't see. 

This principle doesn't stop with my actions behind the wheel. I don't like to admit this, and feel kind of disgusting admitting it-- but I can be so quick to judge a situation and person because "I know," and "I'm sure I know that person and that situation." When I do this however, I not only hurt other people, but I am causing myself damage by making callous judgements. This is something that I have found to be dangerous because it isolates us from a world of reality, and allows us to live inside our own pre-conceptions.

I like to think I am not so quick to judge a book by its' cover, but if you place me in heavy traffic-- my thoughts and certainly my mouth would tell you a different story. I feel ashamed writing these words, and don't really know that I want to share this anymore-- but there isn't an honest story where we always get to be the good guy.

"There isn't an honest story where we always get to be the good guy."

We are all human.

I guess I just want to say-- have compassion. There are times where you can see the physical situation, or outwardly see someone's mental health struggle, and I know it is probably easier to be kind and loving in those times because there's "a reason" to be, but I want to challenge everyone including myself to be kind and show understanding and compassion even when there isn't any visible "reason," story," or "excuse." Love on someone who is really pushing your buttons, and show compassion. We are all doing our best-- even if that looks different in each person, each day, and even each moment. Be kind. <3

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