Classic, and timeless- so chic, but elegant with intricate, and delicate detail that isn't too over the top, but gentle. It is beautiful. Simply beautiful. You are beautiful.
I try to inhale these words, as they come in their due timing. The wind outside is gentle, and the sun is peering through a swirl of grey and blue skies as I am standing in my Steve Madden booties with eyes peering around the Starbucks; taking in the soft jazz that is playing, the moms standing behind me in their excited chatter about back to school lists, and summer vacations, or the regular in front of me coaching the barista in training "how it is done."
I am lost amidst my thoughts. Another day is slipping through my fingertips, as I ponder upcoming weeks, future ambitions and goals, day to day to-do lists, or game plans of what I can conquer in my day off, and what I have and have not been doing correctly to better myself as I regroup from- yet- another appointment. I am one of the lucky ones who can go and get treatment, but I do look forward to the day when I am told I no longer need to go. That I am doing well without it.
I think sometimes I fear recovery because I fear that even once I am "fully recovered" I will fall short, and people will learn just how flawed I truly am. That my best will still be so shitty that I will crash, and burn just the way I did at my sickest. Except, unlike the way I had an excuse for it when I was on death's doorstep- the only excuse I will have then is that my best is simply not good enough. And this is terror. To not measure up. To not be enough. To not be able to perform to expectation, and disappoint. I fear recovery because I fear failure.
This is where trust comes in. Leaping when you don't know what the hell will happen. Choosing to say- I am beautiful. Breathing in that grace, and poise- like the classic timeless dress you've received so many compliments on today that you are reeling. Learning to smile in the mirror when the voice in your head is saying you will fall before you have even tried. Remembering that if you were that big of a bitch, your friend's would have probably left by now- there is worth in there somewhere. That little voice is capable of roaring. Crank up the beyonce- be a "basic bitch"- it's okay to treat yourself like a princess because you are. You're a queen, and a flawless one at that. Don't let the fear of failure keep you from playing the game.Your beauty radiates from the inside out, and when others are telling you about it- take notice. Sometimes it's the little things.
I try to inhale these words, as they come in their due timing. The wind outside is gentle, and the sun is peering through a swirl of grey and blue skies as I am standing in my Steve Madden booties with eyes peering around the Starbucks; taking in the soft jazz that is playing, the moms standing behind me in their excited chatter about back to school lists, and summer vacations, or the regular in front of me coaching the barista in training "how it is done."
I am lost amidst my thoughts. Another day is slipping through my fingertips, as I ponder upcoming weeks, future ambitions and goals, day to day to-do lists, or game plans of what I can conquer in my day off, and what I have and have not been doing correctly to better myself as I regroup from- yet- another appointment. I am one of the lucky ones who can go and get treatment, but I do look forward to the day when I am told I no longer need to go. That I am doing well without it.
I think sometimes I fear recovery because I fear that even once I am "fully recovered" I will fall short, and people will learn just how flawed I truly am. That my best will still be so shitty that I will crash, and burn just the way I did at my sickest. Except, unlike the way I had an excuse for it when I was on death's doorstep- the only excuse I will have then is that my best is simply not good enough. And this is terror. To not measure up. To not be enough. To not be able to perform to expectation, and disappoint. I fear recovery because I fear failure.
This is where trust comes in. Leaping when you don't know what the hell will happen. Choosing to say- I am beautiful. Breathing in that grace, and poise- like the classic timeless dress you've received so many compliments on today that you are reeling. Learning to smile in the mirror when the voice in your head is saying you will fall before you have even tried. Remembering that if you were that big of a bitch, your friend's would have probably left by now- there is worth in there somewhere. That little voice is capable of roaring. Crank up the beyonce- be a "basic bitch"- it's okay to treat yourself like a princess because you are. You're a queen, and a flawless one at that. Don't let the fear of failure keep you from playing the game.Your beauty radiates from the inside out, and when others are telling you about it- take notice. Sometimes it's the little things.
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