I got called a snob in studio today as I recited my favorite kind of icecream. (PS- It's dark chocolate coffee bean with toffee bits) I mean, if you were judging me based off of the given description alone- you would probably tell me I am pretentious- or if you simply knew I was a light lyric coloratura soprano who follows the typical norm of enjoying warm tea, cute cafes, and owns over thirty so called "soprano scarves," then yes- by all means, you probably would think from the outside I am the biggest so called basic "Butler Bitch" or stereotypical "Soprano Snob" that this school could carry.
For the record, the snob crack in studio was satirical, and made by my lovely studio teacher, who I adore, and have a great relationship with- in response to my best snarky remark- and well deserved in the moment. But, the point is- for so long I have walked around pretending to be something that I simply was not.
Coming back to school, I feel as though I were a freshman again in the sense that I do not quite have a place in which I fit. I'm still figuring it out. I never was the person who left her dorm room, the practice room, or the library because I was so engrossed in academia, and success. I had become so consumed in being the unobtainable inobsolete creature, that I forgot how to build connections with real people, and I return to a campus this year that feels like a home, but one in which I don't know the people around me.
When you struggle with an eating disorder, it robs you of everything you could ever hope for, and convinces you that it is all you ever need. That nothing you ever do will ever be good enough. Human is not acceptable, and perfection is the only answer. Your best will never be enough, because you will never be enough. When I could not be enough, I almost lost myself because I gave up everything I had as each pound fell away, and forced everyone to watch the ghost I became beneath this shadow. I won't deny the fact that it is still sometimes a struggle to force myself to become more present in this world as I work to reclaim this life that I know deep down I deserve, but I am proud of this girl that is coming forward once again. I am a proud icecream snob because six months ago if you would have asked me, I would have been too damn afraid to even eat icecream because of what it would have "done" to my body. I may be a "typical soprano" but at least I am not dead. People should look at souls, and smiles, and listen to whole stories, rather than judging on appearances, and one liners. What a difference it makes in the world. I may look like a stereotype, and you might too, but you are beautiful, and remarkable, and don't EVER let anyone convince you otherwise.
*Photo Location: The Beautiful Mountains with my second favorite icecrem- Maple walnut- with
rainbow sprinkles, of course :)*
For the record, the snob crack in studio was satirical, and made by my lovely studio teacher, who I adore, and have a great relationship with- in response to my best snarky remark- and well deserved in the moment. But, the point is- for so long I have walked around pretending to be something that I simply was not.
Coming back to school, I feel as though I were a freshman again in the sense that I do not quite have a place in which I fit. I'm still figuring it out. I never was the person who left her dorm room, the practice room, or the library because I was so engrossed in academia, and success. I had become so consumed in being the unobtainable inobsolete creature, that I forgot how to build connections with real people, and I return to a campus this year that feels like a home, but one in which I don't know the people around me.
When you struggle with an eating disorder, it robs you of everything you could ever hope for, and convinces you that it is all you ever need. That nothing you ever do will ever be good enough. Human is not acceptable, and perfection is the only answer. Your best will never be enough, because you will never be enough. When I could not be enough, I almost lost myself because I gave up everything I had as each pound fell away, and forced everyone to watch the ghost I became beneath this shadow. I won't deny the fact that it is still sometimes a struggle to force myself to become more present in this world as I work to reclaim this life that I know deep down I deserve, but I am proud of this girl that is coming forward once again. I am a proud icecream snob because six months ago if you would have asked me, I would have been too damn afraid to even eat icecream because of what it would have "done" to my body. I may be a "typical soprano" but at least I am not dead. People should look at souls, and smiles, and listen to whole stories, rather than judging on appearances, and one liners. What a difference it makes in the world. I may look like a stereotype, and you might too, but you are beautiful, and remarkable, and don't EVER let anyone convince you otherwise.
rainbow sprinkles, of course :)*
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