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The Darkside of Health

     The sun has barely begun to veer its' head over the horizon, and the moon is saying its' last goodbyes to the sounds of the quiet night, as you slip your way from a comatose sleep. You do not want to get out of your warm bed that begs you to stay; to take care of your self, and listen just this once, but you do not care. You have forgotten how to. You immediately walk over to the mirror, and look at everything you hate about yourself, and the things you want to change. Essentially veering over your whole wiry body as the keurig is brewing a single cup of starbucks roasted, or dunkin to "power" your wiry body through its' workout, and only then will you allow yourself to eat a coveted forbidden breakfast. But it's okay- because strong is the new skinny. This is not disordered- it is simply fitness. Taking care of your body through exercise. You will eat fruits, and vegetables. Nuts. *As you're really going nuts* The clean eating. It is eating. It is well- and nutritional. It is good. These are the convoluted messages that we feed ourselves- our souls, and our bodies once again as we enslave ourselves to these "healthy" lifestyles that society imposes upon us in new health fads. But are you really "feeling good?" Ok? Even "eh"? 
     We spend so much time trying to convince ourselves that this "healthy eating" is okay, that we use these obsessions of health foods, and work out lifestyles of "fitspiration," "strong is skinny," and I'm sure others to replace or merely mask the underlying issues that got us to disordered eating, or controlling our lives through these outlets in the first place. 
     Fitspiration is still using something within your life to try and control the things you cannot. It is not addressing the problem, and never will. 

     Do you even like dragging yourself out of bed? Or running? Or ordering the salad when you want the fries? Eat the damn fries, and enjoy your life. Address the things that life is throwing your way, and stop numbing yourself to the world because you are scared to live in it presently. 

It is scary. It's terrifying. I am scared everytime I open myself, and have to be vulnerable. Or when I choose to eat what I want over what society has conditioned me into what "I should have" because it is two words- bull shit. Knowing I have had to gain weight, and I have done it, and am doing it in this life style, and people are noticing... some days I am a piece of shit.  I feel like shit. But that's Ed talking, and I'm done listening. There is more to life than that. 

To the girl who is living her life as a "fruititarian," or a gym junkie, or who is trying to control her life through food, and ignoring the real pains, and stresses... please, I am begging you. Step out. Stop living in societies absence, and live in the present. Listen to your soul. Don't lose that- it is precious- You are precious. 
Love, 
Someone Who Understands 

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