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Open Letters to my Treatment Team (Part 1)

     I was eighteen and pissed off at the world, but you never seemed to mind. For that matter- you encouraged the words, as I slowly found courage to speak, and finally express the anger that would slowly seep through passive-aggressive smart ass commentary; as I struggled in the scavenger hunt for words that could not seem to find their way. After being hurt so many times- distance, walls, and sabotage were all I knew, but you never blamed me for that, or gave up in searching for someone who had gone missing. I, and my heart were victim to suppression deep beneath countless layers of apathy, and fear disguised as anger turned outward-- to only later be retracted in the form self resentment, and a loathing so deep it would once again, almost kill me the way it did the first time not too long before we crossed paths. But you have stayed every step of the way.
     I thought I would hate you initially-because everyone else had either decided I was hopeless, and begun casting off the waste I was, or was so ambivalent on pushing my religion as a bandaid cure all down my throat (Please note, I am not casting off my beliefs at all in this healing process- they were in a large way), ignoring the problem that I never stood a fighting chance in peeling back layers to an authentic self. I wasn't sure who she was. This shadow in your office was feisty, covered, quiet in all the wrong ways, and so close minded that she was hardly recognizable to myself. And the fight got worse before it got better.
     If I could say everything I wanted to now- I would eventually fill a small novel. I was afraid to jump from ledges, and you pushed me gently, but kindly. In the moments where there has been wrong done, and I would not speak- whether I wanted you to or not, you never failed to open your mouth, and cry for me in a world that encourages silence. I've learned by example to have heart, and be brave. In those moments I was angry, but I always quickly retreated because it did not take long to learn you only made decisions with the best intent. You take it seriously. To do no harm. You've helped me learn to work in a world of chaos under pressures and weights that had once held me in their clutches, but are now the foundation for the ground upon which I have taken off running.
    I know that I am at times a mess- but thank you for being a true guiding star when I was so far from the path that I was about to veer over a cliff. And I would not have cared- but you've helped me learn to give a shit once again. To see beauty in all things, and find a light, or be a light as the dark of the night encloses. Thank you for being the connection that called me out of a web of self deceit. For naming the things I was in denial of, and holding on tight for the ride as I refused treatment for almost 2 years. For helping me learn gentle kindness once again, or that it is okay to come alive and enjoy yourself.
    I don't have the words to say a proper thank you, and I don't think I ever will- for saving me from myself. Allowing me to actually think about when I am 25, or 30 because I know I will still be alive now. For being open, and kind, and giving me the roots to do the same. I know I cannot cover everything I wish- but it's okay- I know you'll get it. You always do.
Love,
Your Favorite 9am Coffee Session

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