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Denial

     She swore that it was all an accident, or that it was from being sick- but she kept losing weight. They all began to stare at her, and the slow painful spiral that could end up being her largest downfall. How far will she have to walk the tight rope before she falls, or is blown away. I often wonder if she thinks about that. She walked with me in my darkest hours, afraid of losing me... and now I am terrified of losing her. But, I wonder if she even realizes it. Do you? 
      It's a strict regiment of exercise, "building muscle," slaving away to your scale- and you think it is a secret that no one knows. You've been showered in compliments of your new tone, or your "healthy diet," and strong commitment. You find yourself being admired by people who had not noticed you before, and you find yourself able to cope with the world that seems to be spiraling out of control all around you- but you have this. This "cozy" sense of security and control. It's false.
     Your sense of control is temporary. It is only a matter of time before you turn around, and find your world has fallen apart, and you are wondering how it happened. You will feel so absent by this point you will not know how to even begin fixing it either. It isn't easy, and it will take work, but it is conquerable. I hope you see this, and evaluate your decisions. That you think of the little girl inside of you, and how you would never abuse her the way you are now abusing yourself.
     I don't know if you realize it either. The trail you are walking. Many don't until it is far too late. You veil it in excuses, covers, and lies. You blame it on other health issues, but really you begin to learn they are all caused by the way you are eating... moreso, depriving yourself.
    I hope you read this. That it strikes your bones, and sends chills up your spine. That it is your wakeup call into acceptance, or admitting there is perhaps an issue. Before you are gone. Before you completely lose yourself to this. You are stronger than anyone's cruel words. You are lovable, capable, and brave. Your thoughts are valid- but ED's thoughts are not. The sun will shine again soon, and I hope you dance through this storm, and make it to the other side. I believe in you.
Please come home soon. I miss you.
 

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