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Relapse

     It is not your fault. 

I know you probably don't believe me, but I wanted you to know that. I have fought a war of denigration for years to make peace with mind, soul, and body in this pursuit of acceptance- and I have watched far too silently as others struggle drowning beneath the crash of their own self deafening waves that have overtaken them... 

    We look away because it hurts to watch. It's uncomfortable.  This is what infuriates me, and saddens me. The lack of ignorance, but also the refusal and closed mindedness to learning. We do not choose our storms- our adversities- our oceans, and the waves that transcend us. Each of of us would give just about anything for the taste of freedom amidst the struggle. Yet, the issue is we do not know how. How to free ourselves. How to stop flailing, and ride our waves of terror, and swim- or trust the lifeguards that come to help us because we have been hurt so many times that we have trained our steel laden minds to be strong. To not let anyone in for fear of being yet again disposed of- or used. 

     We give up trying to be helped because we feel we are disposable, unlovable, and vile burdens. But we are not. I am not. You are not. Your setbacks are not your demise. You are beauty beyond words. Relapse is but a bump in the road. It is in these moments where we must stand and take the very things we are being told, and then defy. 

Defy because we are so good at that. 

Defy because it is our hope to cling to. 

Defy because you are lovable. Capable. And brave. 

You deserve life. You are beauty

I love you.  You own the wave. Ride on. 

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