“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou
You could pay for my entire college education, and I would still never repeat elementary school. I would not repeat middle school, so lest a crocodile came- grabbed me by my leg, and dragged me- and you sure as hell wouldn't dare ask me to walk the halls of my high school as a student once more. No.
To the people who used to make me feel small:
No, I am not talking about skinny, or attractive, and societies imposed, demented standards of beauty. You were always quick to do the opposite. As you called me out for being different- or being intelligent. You tried to teach me that was wrong. Your harsh words as the children we were ended up being the very thing that drove me to sitting alone at lunchtime- or playing by myself at recess. I was a child full of unspoken words because I dare say something, you mocked me. I became afraid to speak because of my speech impediment that you began to call me out upon in third grade, but did not receive therapy for until fifth. But then you made fun of me because I needed help- calling me retarded among other things when I was a high achieving student. But that made me a nerd. A cardinal sin. And God forbid I enjoyed learning, or wanted to be a good student. The famous "crossies" of the day were used on me because I was the outcast. A rejected child. The girl who was tackled purposefully by her biggest tormentor in third grade during gym class and "fishy fishy" because she ran faster than this boy who was faster than her... and as I cried, and had a bruise on my neck where he impacted- was simply told by my gym teacher to "suck it up." I carried that mentality for years- to suck it up, and not be such a whiny bitch when someone struck me- because he confirmed my feelings were invalid. To that day: my third grade teacher is still my hero for ripping my gym teacher a new well deserved asshole.
I remember middle school- because I remember the girls who gossiped, and the teachers who began to play hard ball. I recall the rumor mill as it began to spin, or the boys who would do things for dares. Friends came, and they went- but I am blessed for the two who crossed my path and became two who are still near and dear to me. I realized in this time that people were not who they seemed to be.
High school contemporaries. There is a reason I deleted most of them from my social media accounts. The people who made me feel like such a worthless piece of shit that by the time I got to college, I had decided to lay under the radar. I became so enveloped in trying to not be hurt, or abused by my contemporaries- the girl filled with light, and warmth had disappeared completely to the point of near extinction. I failed to see for far to long that who I am as a person is good enough, and worthy of love that is unconditional, and that there is no requirement in order to be cared for. That my worth is not in the people I interact with or their opinions, but rather my identity is in Christ, and that is the woman who I am now growing into.
I remember the way you would whisper judgement about me when I would miss class, or for my health problems- when little did you know the crippling depression I dealt with, or the anxiety I faced, or the family problems that were none of your damn business, and the fear of your judgement, and harsh words whether I was there or not. The last semester of my senior year as I transitioned into cyber school was difficult, but so incredibly freeing because I no longer had to interact with several of these people, and was able to begin recovering from the wounds they had left.
I recall the girls in my department- and the way they treated me- musicals almost quit, the isolation, and feeling of being on the outside, and ill fitted for the world I had placed myself into. I felt that I lacked the talent, and skills- or that I was incompetent when it was the opposite. I placed myself into college with trepidation because I internalized the words and actions of my contemporaries, and I have only recently begun realizing I am not as awful as I might at times think. That I would not have gotten this far if my professors thought I was incapable. That the amazing people, and friends alike in and out of my major that have changed my life would not be so kind if I was undeserving of the love that I needed to also show myself.
I forgive my transgressors for their transgressions because despite the hell I face within myself- the denigrating toxic lies, or hatred turned inward... I have become a kinder, stronger, and more gentle person. You have taught me that my worth is not through things of the earth, and that love is not conditional. That I am an overcomer.
That my best is enough.
I hope that anyone who reads this too, recognizes that your worth does not come from those around you. You are worthy. You do not have to play small- we were not created for that. Let your light shine brightly. You were made to move mountains. Keep going.
~Happy and Free
You could pay for my entire college education, and I would still never repeat elementary school. I would not repeat middle school, so lest a crocodile came- grabbed me by my leg, and dragged me- and you sure as hell wouldn't dare ask me to walk the halls of my high school as a student once more. No.
To the people who used to make me feel small:
No, I am not talking about skinny, or attractive, and societies imposed, demented standards of beauty. You were always quick to do the opposite. As you called me out for being different- or being intelligent. You tried to teach me that was wrong. Your harsh words as the children we were ended up being the very thing that drove me to sitting alone at lunchtime- or playing by myself at recess. I was a child full of unspoken words because I dare say something, you mocked me. I became afraid to speak because of my speech impediment that you began to call me out upon in third grade, but did not receive therapy for until fifth. But then you made fun of me because I needed help- calling me retarded among other things when I was a high achieving student. But that made me a nerd. A cardinal sin. And God forbid I enjoyed learning, or wanted to be a good student. The famous "crossies" of the day were used on me because I was the outcast. A rejected child. The girl who was tackled purposefully by her biggest tormentor in third grade during gym class and "fishy fishy" because she ran faster than this boy who was faster than her... and as I cried, and had a bruise on my neck where he impacted- was simply told by my gym teacher to "suck it up." I carried that mentality for years- to suck it up, and not be such a whiny bitch when someone struck me- because he confirmed my feelings were invalid. To that day: my third grade teacher is still my hero for ripping my gym teacher a new well deserved asshole.
I remember middle school- because I remember the girls who gossiped, and the teachers who began to play hard ball. I recall the rumor mill as it began to spin, or the boys who would do things for dares. Friends came, and they went- but I am blessed for the two who crossed my path and became two who are still near and dear to me. I realized in this time that people were not who they seemed to be.
High school contemporaries. There is a reason I deleted most of them from my social media accounts. The people who made me feel like such a worthless piece of shit that by the time I got to college, I had decided to lay under the radar. I became so enveloped in trying to not be hurt, or abused by my contemporaries- the girl filled with light, and warmth had disappeared completely to the point of near extinction. I failed to see for far to long that who I am as a person is good enough, and worthy of love that is unconditional, and that there is no requirement in order to be cared for. That my worth is not in the people I interact with or their opinions, but rather my identity is in Christ, and that is the woman who I am now growing into.
I remember the way you would whisper judgement about me when I would miss class, or for my health problems- when little did you know the crippling depression I dealt with, or the anxiety I faced, or the family problems that were none of your damn business, and the fear of your judgement, and harsh words whether I was there or not. The last semester of my senior year as I transitioned into cyber school was difficult, but so incredibly freeing because I no longer had to interact with several of these people, and was able to begin recovering from the wounds they had left.
I recall the girls in my department- and the way they treated me- musicals almost quit, the isolation, and feeling of being on the outside, and ill fitted for the world I had placed myself into. I felt that I lacked the talent, and skills- or that I was incompetent when it was the opposite. I placed myself into college with trepidation because I internalized the words and actions of my contemporaries, and I have only recently begun realizing I am not as awful as I might at times think. That I would not have gotten this far if my professors thought I was incapable. That the amazing people, and friends alike in and out of my major that have changed my life would not be so kind if I was undeserving of the love that I needed to also show myself.
I forgive my transgressors for their transgressions because despite the hell I face within myself- the denigrating toxic lies, or hatred turned inward... I have become a kinder, stronger, and more gentle person. You have taught me that my worth is not through things of the earth, and that love is not conditional. That I am an overcomer.
That my best is enough.
I hope that anyone who reads this too, recognizes that your worth does not come from those around you. You are worthy. You do not have to play small- we were not created for that. Let your light shine brightly. You were made to move mountains. Keep going.
~Happy and Free
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